For most of my life, I have worried about the things that are of the most miniscule nature. Oftentimes, I magnified the fear about those things to the point that I would want to avoid doing the things that participate in out of total fear of a catastrophic thing happening, when in fact the possibility of that happening is often very minor.

I know that it is the way that my brain thinks about things and having the desire of the comfort that I desire to have by not having to think about things being different or changing than what I am used to, even if what I have to do is not all that major, my brain catastrophizes as if it is the worst possible thing and all I want to do is avoid having to go through with something that I would like to do out of fear of something that I cannot control or is overly sensitive to me occurring.

Even in most cases what I must do could only be short of minimal in comparison to the entire scale of what must be endured, I make it out to be as if it is the one thing that I just want to avoid. These feelings are transgressed into anger that is sometimes taken out on those that love and care about me the most because I feel the safest with them and know that they will love me throughout the struggle because in all my time of living it is not as big as everything else, I have experienced.

Even though I act the way that I do that is in no way healthy towards those that love me, I know that they do not deserve it and it is wrong. I want to get out of doing it, but it is harder when I am experiencing the emotions of wanting to avoid a situation that in my mind is the worst possible thing that I could experience.

Anxiety is very real in my life, and it constantly rules what I do, what I think and how I live my life. I wish that worrying about the small things didn’t consume as much time as it does because there is so much that I could do to make myself feel more at ease that of all the things that I mostly worry about they are short in time and once I get to do them, I am much more eased and more myself.

The things that I would say to my loved ones when I am angry in fear, I would not say to anyone else because I know that the comments made would be taken more seriously and action would be taken that could be consequential. And although I know that what I do is very sinical in nature, and not deserving of the receiving party, I keep doing it.

There is a part of me that wishes that the worry wasn’t there and as time has passed since being better mentally, it has gotten better to manage, it is just at those initial moments when my brain is processing the process of what I am feeling and not allowing me to piece together the whole process to see that my brain is working overtime by worrying about something that is really miniscule in nature and once the initial steps are taken, everything will be fine. I just wish it did not get to me as much as it did, nor would I act in the way that I do.

Every time is a new way of thinking about things and the honest thing is to work at avoiding the issue at heart by diverting my energy elsewhere to the point that I can work towards a happier state of mind instead of living in a fear driven state. I deserve to be happy and not have to worry about the simplest of things, and I am hopeful that things will get better in time, but it just hurts me that I am the way that I am about some of the minor things.