Over the past month or so, I have been learning more about to manage myself with the challenges that I experience daily. It can be frustrating, but one thing I am learning as time evolves is that there is no shame or other priority than to take care of myself first. I am learning more about things to do to manage the conditions that I have to the best of my ability as time marches on and that I do not have to meet anyone’s standards.

For far too long I have wanted to hide many factors about myself that are true but because they are not perceived by the public as things that provide popularity, they are things that I was embarrassed to realize about myself. I have had to learn finally that I must accept all that comes with me, take care of myself primarily and disregard the fact that of hiding the realities about myself that  come with me.

Indeed, there are some things in my life that I do not like to hear like being infantized or referred to as names as I am indeed a person that is not of the caliber that I think that I am, but in all honesty, it is no reason to lose sleep over it. But being a person that is autistic who cannot always speak in ways that seem as what is considered “normal” under all circumstances, especially when anxious, it comes with the territory of who I am.

Despite being intelligent in ways, there are some ways in which I need supports and through the past six years of living on my own, that has been the hardest part of accepting my challenges. In these past six years, I have experienced three relapses of my mental health condition in addition to not always being consistent with my medication condition.

I personally feel the reason behind not caring for myself the way that I wanted to was that I wanted to believe that I was better than what things like the diagnoses were and that the medications were used just as a technique to keep me subdued. However, through the long six-year journey I have discovered that I do indeed experience what has been put on paper and that I should have never doubted the initial diagnosis over two and a half decades ago even if the medical staff I see today do not see those symptoms appear in me.

Now that I have finally accepted my challenges for what they are, I have accepted the necessity of working with others in my support system in addressing the issues that need to be addressed that never have been. Knowing that I abruptly discharged myself from day services and then realizing that it would have been a dangerous maneuver was the most notable wakeup call even if I did not initially see it. Addressing the need to care for my mental health conditions while living independently has been one of the biggest challenges because I had kept it a secret from everyone and when there were several challenges, the bottom near fell out and I started to relapse.

Now that I realize what is a reality with the challenges and the directed routes and orders of treatments that need to be followed, I am getting a better grasp of what I need to do while realizing that I needed to deeply clean my digital footprint and put some of the behaviors that I was experiencing when I was unwell to rest. Understanding what is  and is not possible has helped me come to terms with things like the need to nap, being comfortable and authentic along with accepting that I fall on the asexuality spectrum finally has put so much in my mind at ease.

I will not lie, it has taken a lot for me to accept some things about myself and close the door to frivolous behaviors in the past, but in the real world they were not helping and, in the end, those around me had always known that I was unwell. It was like the white elephant in the room that no one wanted to address because they were fearful of me being combative or defensive with them, but they were even more scared when the slightest thing could happen to trigger a very negative response in me and I believe that hearing that along with finally understanding that others know me well enough when I am not my best so it was time to stop playing the games and be real about my mental health.

As I finally work towards understanding my true authentic self while being totally mentally well, I am more optimistic than ever. As I had my medication management visit yesterday, the provider said, “if it is working for you, let’s not change it.” Over two decades ago, the doctor responsible for getting me started on the medicine said to my parents and I when we wanted to make changes, “why would you want to rock the boat?” I guess I have finally seen the reality of doing what I need to because medication plays a crucial part in me being well.

In the end, I have accepted that this is the life I must live, and I must manage myself in the way that is necessary to do so to achieve optimum well-being. It can be a hard pill to swallow but it is one of the easiest things to do to live the life that I know I can and want to live. All other things that are necessary to do to live the best life that I can come in time,  I just need to be patient with myself and do what I need has been proven to be successful.