Most of my life I have had what I would call my anger reflex. It is what I have now determined after decades of hearing what I have been told in psychotherapy about how anxiety is triggered through adrenaline and cortisol. There are times when my anxiety will flare up and I will experience an internal reaction of anger that mostly I keep to myself until I verbally release it or when I am with loved ones become verbally aggressive at others, particularly my mother.

In the past reacting in anger has come first in physical forms that was mostly lashed out towards my parents, professionally and once at school towards an administrator. Luckily, I did not get suspended for those actions after being diagnosed by having the tools that I needed to get through them in my adolescent years. For a few times in adulthood, I have physically lashed out at my parents and until a year ago towards program staff, but I now fully understand the consequences of become physically or verbally aggressive around those that are unfamiliar with my dynamic, yet there are still times that mostly my mother is on the receiving end of my verbally reactive anger reflex.

Knowing that my mother going through all that she is going through now does not deserve to experience the times I get verbally aggressive because in those moments or situations I have for far too long been comfortable at just letting my frustrations come across in unpleasant words or scripts that are no way true. I am frustrated or angry because of something that happened, and I feel like I just need to let go of what I am feeling in front of my mother because I know I will not be punished for my actions.

But I am beginning to realize that it is time to address the issue that has for a long time been an issue that I need to look at addressing. It has been something that has been going on for some time but because I had not been able to understand if it was an issue of when I was not caring for myself in the way that I have needed to if it was indeed a challenge that I was facing.

Now that I am realizing that it is indeed an issue, I now see that it is time to work on it because it is becoming a problem in my everyday life that prevents me from excess worry. There are going  to be things that are going to bother me in life and cause my anxiety time ore up from time to time, but I must be more proactive than reactive in finding a way at coping with the frustration and anger that I want to verbalize on to those that do so much for me, or see me in a much brighter light.

I know for sure there are ways to cope with when anxiety flares up and I want to say things that are unpleasant for me and those around me. It may mean that I must look at doing things a little differently than what I have in the past and being open to new ways of being able to cope with my anxiety, so I do not react negatively towards others. It is not only knowing how the adrenaline and cortisol are activated, but also knowing how to best manage my emotions in a way that does not come across as being negative in the eyes of others, It may mean learning how to do things that are outside of the box, but I know that it has to be better than experiencing the flare ups that I have been experiencing for a long time.