Two things that I have been struggling with recently are patience and anxiety uncertainty. Patience has never been my strong suit and as with being autistic, uncertainty is a big struggle for most, including myself. However, as my father is getting the medical attention he needs, these two things are playing the biggest role that they ever have.

As it is often known, autistic people often thrive off being ritualistic and having solid routines. While I have some a solid routine as far as the days I go to work and day services, not knowing the status of my father’s health or location from day to day or sometimes hour to hour is quite challenging. And while I have been honestly handling uncertainty and being patient with how things are going to play out as well as possible, there are times when I become extremely empathetic and cannot realize that the care of my father is not in my control, however, over the weeks I am remaining optimistic but always prepared for things to not go well.

I know that caring and attending to my needs must be my priority and on days when I have those responsibilities I do quite well with keeping engaged with the responsibilities that I have been assigned. However, it is in the times when I am at home left to my own thinking that I allow myself to think catastrophic thoughts because of past experiences in the past seven weeks and not allow myself to realize that not every experience is going to be the same.

There has been along of disappointment and even fearful moments in the past six weeks, but I know that I cannot let that overrule the way that I need to think about things because I now see that by the amount of time that my father is left to his own thinking that he lets many of his negative thoughts overrule the positive ones, even as much as he tries.

In the past few weeks, I have learned how much I have told others about the good things in me and the things that I have done. He also knows that I can only manage so much before I am overloaded as does my mother and as much as I think that they keep some stuff from me, I know that they do it in my best interest to not cause any negative or unwanted action that would make me upset.

Though I have had some anxiety when there is uncertainty or cannot fathom the patience to know what the next steps are as far as what or where my father will be in his journey, I also know that my mother is making sure that he is getting the best care that he can get with the options we have available. I also know that my mother has my best interests at heart and they along with many others in my support system know that things can be overwhelming for me and that if I need to work on me, that is more important than being there to support my father. I know that I must continue to care for myself in the best interests of my family by taking care of myself first and know when I am not up for handling difficulties that may arise.