As I am nearly closing out on the fourth decade of life, there can still be moments that can be challenging for me to endure as an autistic adult. There are also times when I take these emotions on those that I feel safe to do so when the opportunity arises as if they should have to endure what I am feeling as if it is their fault. I know that there is a need to be more communicative in a more positive way than being negative. I hope that as I move forward that it can be that way because I am in such a better place than I was decades ago and while it is important to move forward, it is also important to recognize that there were many days that were much more challenging than they were today.

While it can be hard to look back at the way that I acted when I was a child and remember the struggles that I caused in so many including my parents today that still do so much for me. It can be hard the number of sacrifices in life that they had to endure and the abuse that they took from those early days where I displayed heavy bouts of rage, sometimes daily. I was often like a loose cannon to the point where you did not know what was going to trigger me to react negatively towards others to the point where it was just not in a verbal nature, but there were often physical acts of aggression, often times not understanding the trigger itself nor the understanding and ability to cope in the ways that are taught nowadays.

It indeed took a lot of myself maturing along with the fierce advocacy that got me through school successfully. After a dumpster fire of two years of Junior High School and a summer of multiple psychiatric hospitalizations eventually resulted in me ending up in a residential facility where I had to attend a high school in a different school district that opened up the opportunity to transfer a lot of things to my home high school where I had became very successful despite a few issues, it was in no way that the Junior High School was to me.

As adulthood came, eventually physical aggression waned as did the public meltdowns. There is now a realization of the stares that are made by onlookers should that happen, and I must do my best to be more proactive when there is a desire for a meltdown to occur that I must take more immediate action by doing more of what I need to do to protect myself from any potential embarrassment.

While I now know that I must use my words in order to communicate what concerns me, I must understand even more that it is more important to be able to communicate more constructively than in a negative manner by being more straightforward with what is bothering me rather than making not only myself but others frustrated because of things that are said that can be hurtful and very much untrue, even if they are on my mind, it is important to always remember that those helping me also care for me and want nothing for me but to be happy and get what I need and want to be successful in my life as they know that I have the potential to be the person I need to be when it is necessary to do so.