There are times when in the life of an autistic person that we do not choose our words wisely or we brew our thoughts deeply and in turn the words that are said before the feelings or repercussions can  be felt are used as a weapon without totally realizing that is not what we truly feel about what we have said about a certain item and as such, feelings can be hurt or there can be great remorse later on.

Deep down, I know that I am a smart person, but many times I think about saying words that can be used as weaponry. At times when I was emotionally fueled, I have said the wrong things without thinking and as such it has been quite reactive and even though it has resulted in better things for me, I still regret using those words and acting that way on that very day, even though I have often been assured that though it was just a reaction, deep down I know it was not right, but I am slowly learning to move on.

There is a part of me that knows that using hurtful words in a destructive manner is not beneficial to me or the person that I deliver them to. I am slowly working on it as time goes on, but there are many times when I have looping thoughts about thinking about saying those horrific things, even though I know that they are wrong as some sort of damage release for my own hurt in the past. It has taken a big step to acknowledge that I am feeling that way and communicating what I am feeling to those I can trust in a safe manner and not similarly. It is making progress,

However, I know that I need to work at having better coping skills when it comes to processing the thoughts that are looping in my headspace. I also know that one of the things that I must do is work at being more occupied instead of laying around scrolling on my handheld devices. While things like having streaming music is helpful, having the duality of doom scrolling at content that is not helpful and not otherwise keeping my mind occupied with something I enjoy instead of seeing potentially triggering material is in no way helping me with the thoughts, instead they can cause them to amplify greater.

Deep down, I know that I have the skills to move on from the thoughts that can produce harmful words and content in my brain and there is also an understanding that I know I need to be kind to anyone that crosses my path instead of airing out my dirty feelings about them or what they caused that may not even be true rather that it is bottled up because of unhelpful, unhealthy habits. There is a reality that I always need to be the better person and that there is not always going to be someone to save me from my mistakes. It is important to take all the years of therapy seriously and put what has been taught to me to use more instead of brushing it off by allowing it to take space in my head causing toxicity. I am a much better person and need to function as such.