It can be hard to believe that as much as I can communicate socially as an autistic person that I still have difficulty in picking up on various social signals by not understanding when others are trying to connect with me on a deeper level.

For most of my life there has been mostly the goal of having me be able to communicate with others effectively to navigate the world. However, one thing that I have struggled with is the ability to pick up on signals, for example when someone is trying to connect on a much deeper level, for example, one time someone said to me that they wanted to go to a movie with me. Little did I know that they wanted to connect with me on a deeper level. And while indeed we did, it did not work out for the best for many reasons. However, we are still acquaintances to this day.

It can be hard to admit that I still have difficulty many years later that I struggle in being able to understand social nuances that are not explicitly explained to me. It often takes those that are with me or when I explain what happened to make me realize that is really what happened. While I may eventually “get it” it can be hard to digest that while I may want someone to connect with on a deeper level it may seem scary to me as my anxiety comes into play.

At times, my anxiety will overwhelm me and not let my actual feelings overcome the anxiety and let what I honestly want to have in my life come into play. I am a good person; I just struggle with understanding social nuances and being able to connect with others in ways that are not explicitly detailed to me. As much as there are guides, social stories, or whatever resources there may be, there are just some things that cannot be explained that way to conceptualize what is needed to be understood or undertaken to be able to connect more socially with others.

While it can be late in my life, I am hopeful that there will be a day when there are times when I will be able to connect with others on a deeper level than what I do now. While I have understood that others want to after such when it has been explained to me by others, there is a part of me that wants to be able to connect with others deeper on my own and realize that it is important to make connections with others before those that are here to support me in the present moment are no longer able to do so.

Deep down inside my heart I am very hopeful that I am able to connect with others on a deeper level and have actual friends that I can count on more than what I have now that I can be able to do things that I may enjoy than the mostly solitary life that I have now. I know that there is hope that I can break this barrier as with many other things I have been able to do in my life.