Even though I am autistic and have my challenges, there are things that I know that I can do, but as usual, my anxiety holds me back from doing the things that I want or know that I can do, when someone suggests something, I want to say, “if it was only that easy.”

As autistic human beings, there are things that we want to do, but our ability to connect socially is often held back by our differences in the ability to connect or the fact that we also have anxiety and all we can think about as I do is avoiding a situation because we fear  that the worst possible thing could happen like being rejected or something similar. There are parts of us that want to do the same things in life as our neurotypical peers, but we are often stopped by our fears of taking that initiative to do what needs to be done.

There is no doubt that I could do more than I allow myself to and in fact, I have proven that in recent months. But it can be misconceptions or every thought in the book that I could think could go wrong with the situation at hand that can stop me from doing what I know that I need to do and in fact when I see other people doing those things that I wish that I could do, there is a deep sense of jealousy or regret that I wish that I could do those things.

It is only because of pure luck that I have some of the things that I have in my life and because I have them I hold on to them for dear life and cannot see them happening in any other way than what they are but there has to be a part that I am willing to be open to seeing things differently and allow myself to take different steps and think differently. Sometimes, as I have recently found out, change is a good thing no matter how hard it can be.

It is just fighting that anxiety that happens beforehand and knowing that I just need to get used to what I must do and give things a chance to see how they work and that I may like something if I allow myself to give it a chance. It is important to not cast judgment and think negatively about not being able to do something without giving it a chance to work itself out first then making a calculation based on what I truly feel and not allowing my anxiety to override the decision.

I keep saying each summer that I intend to make each summer better than the years past and now that everything as far as my mental health is straightened out, I hope that I can finally work towards better things and set myself off in the right direction for better things for myself instead of allowing myself to hold myself hostage by my anxiety. I am worth doing things that make me happy instead of allowing myself to wallow in self-pity about things I wish I had and work towards what I know I can change within myself.