It can be said that autism can cut hard through the heart. Sometimes, that can be true when it comes to doing things that seem natural to others that can navigate the world socially without the struggle of being able to communicate or have the amount of anxiety that comes along with being able to function in society.

It is never meant to be a way of saying  “poor me” or having self-pity about the things that are more challenging to me, but in a way it stings when I autism or anxiety prevents me from doing the things that come easy to other people, like being able to be more socially inclined or do things with others and for me that can seem like something that is ever so challenging to just take the first initiative alone without it being something that can be so overwhelming just to accomplish.

I do realize that autistic people have come a long way from where they even were forty or so years ago and coming from the dark ages of autism, I know that firsthand. But even as I am in my late thirties, there are moments that I wish that it were not as hard to do things that become normal to the neurotypical population. It is that I never use autism as an excuse or a barrier to not doing things that are necessary to be done, and in fact when it comes to those necessary situations, I do them quite well, but it is in those casual situations where I struggle to connect with others because I feel really horrible about myself as if I am not deserving of the opportunity to be part of a social group of people or to connect with others.

I do know that I have come a long way socially as an autistic person as it has been eighteen years since graduating vocational training and 20 years since high school. I have came leaps and bounds since then and I have many people to be grateful for that in a professional role, but it  doesn’t always mean that it has been easy when there are times when I am alone and see on social media how others can have a good time and I think, “why can’t that be me enjoying life just as they are?” I mean, I could, but I just cannot at times break through the anxiety and do what is necessary to connect with others. I mean, I have the ability to, and social skill set to do it, I just let my fear get in the way of pursuing what I want to do as I am entitled to as a human being. I just wish it were not so hard to do.

Hopefully, going forward, I will break the fear that I have to do the things that I want to do socially because I finally recognize that it is what is holding me back from what I need to do to find my own personal pursuit of happiness rather than living my life as a very isolated person. I know that I can be just as happy as any neurotypical person if I allow myself to put forth the effort that I know I can do just as I do in any of my professional situations.