It is often misperceived that autistic people want to spend their lives alone. However, very often that is not the case. Many of us long for someone to connect to whether it is as a friendship or even extending it to the romantic level, it is something that is deeply wanted by autistic people. However, oftentimes, our anxiety gets in the way of properly making the moves that we need to make to become a friend, making the connection at times quite awkward for autistic beings.

I am the one that is often in this quandary. I can connect with some people, sometimes not. Where my struggle often lies within the fact in making the necessary move to connect with someone else. Many neurotypical beings connect with others and can have long thriving friendships, however for me, even just extending my voice greeting to someone can be a big challenge because I fear that they are going to reject me or not like me.

I know that not everyone is going to receive me,  but in reality there are people who I have connected with at times but when it comes to stepping to the next level my anxiety comes into play where I want to hide or make excuses why there cannot be a connection between that person because it can be hard to feel like I am deserving of that connection. I can articulate my words quite well and often with strangers when it comes to being in a professional relationship as far as my job goes or being in day services, but when it comes to extending myself in a personal relationship to where it goes beyond the casual conversation, it becomes overwhelming and I fear that the worst possible thing is going to happen and I am going to get in a lot of trouble or I am going to some sort of reject.

The reality is that I am in my late thirties and many of those that I do speak to are getting older and I fear are no longer to be in the capacity to do the things that they do now. Oftentimes it is my anxiety that holds me back from doing things that could advance my journey, and making friends or dare I say being in a relationship is not much one of those things as is anything else.

I have done so much in my life to work towards living independently but it is often anxiety that holds me back from being more independent including extending my natural supports more than what they are now. Being such an amazing person, and I am not doing that to glorify myself, but my anxiety holds me back in doing so much that I need to do including being the friend that I know that I can be. It all starts with making that move that stops me in my tracks from making that move by even exchanging a simple pleasantry to break the ice and make that move that could blossom into more opportunities. It can be hard to let my guard down because autism and anxiety often come in front of doing what needs to be done. The world is limitless if I allow it to be and I could do so much if I allow myself to break the ice and do what I need to do no matter how hard it is, it might just be worth it.