Lately, getting started with things as it often is having been the hardest part of taking initiative when doing things that seem outside the norm. It can be hard to take the initiative to do things that seem difficult, different, or scary to me, as it is with many autistic people, but there are benefits to doing them and there is a sense of accomplishment when they are completed.

There are many things that I have done in life that have seemed scary in the beginning to me. Anxiety has creeped up in their pretenses like when going to school, working or moving out on my own. The things that I have set out to do have been wonderful things for me. In fact, I could do more things, but taking initiative is one of the things that I have the most challenging thoughts about.

I often fear being criticized, judged, rejected and many other countless emotions that can cause me to run away from something that I know that I can do, but just want to run away from because my fear is overriding what I am feeling at the given moment and all I can think of is getting to somewhere I feel comfortable being.

One of the hardest things that I started was going back to the gym yesterday. It has been a few months since I have been there, yet I know that it is one of the things that I need to do to have more ability to get out of the apartment, as that is something that I struggle with. Taking those first steps were the hardest, and in fact it was my mother who suggested that I take the initiative and head there. It was one of the hardest things that day that I had to do, but I know it was a good thing for me despite me wanting to avoid it throughout the time I spent on the treadmill there. It was like being in this trance where something bad was going to happen even though I have been there many times and am quite familiar with the treadmill, yet it was something that I found quite challenging to do for the first time in several months, despite having no physical struggles, it was accomplished.

It may be easier the next time that I go. I hope so. Sometimes I let my anxiety override my mind and think of all these silly things that could happen in my mind, yet they are things that could rarely happen to me. I know I am quite capable of doing the things that I want to do but my anxiety steps in the way of me doing them. The biggest worry of taking that step is the sense of falling as a failure of being rejected because of my challenges. Even though I know that is not often the case, it is always in my mind that something bad is going to happen because I am not mindful of the things that I am doing. It is like I must always be on my toes and be thinking about everything I am going to say or every move that I want to make because I fear that the worst possible thing is going to happen because I cannot do the right thing due to the many unwritten rules that this earth provides.

Yet, I know that I must overcome my fears and do the things that I know that I can do. It is taking that initiative and just doing the things that I know that I can excel in even though my brain and anxiety tells me not to because the worst possible things could happen. It means that I must sometimes step out of my comfort zone and do the right thing and make bigger moves and move to better things!