It can be hard to realize that three years after moving into my current home, I still feel resentment for it and cannot still feel the total satisfaction that I so much desire. Even after getting my mental health issues to finally be at peace, there are still parts of me that feel resentment for having to live where I must live, despite everything being for the better.

It can be hard to let go of what was for me even if there were not so great things because I feel as if I had to let something go and trade it in for something that was less than what I had as if I am being punished for doing what I even know that I needed to do. As I moved forward, I do not realize how the dynamic of what I would have had to experience now would be just as challenging as it was back then, nor would I ever feel at peace in the way that I do now.

Yet, there is a part of me that cannot accept that I just need to be happy in the here and now and let go of what was in the past living situation as there is no value to it. I must understand that there is a reality with the situation at hand that the environment is much better than what I want to believe even though I continually think that I have been handed a raw deal when in turn, I have been handed one of the best deals I could have ever received.

Now that all the kinks have been worked out with my challenges and I am finally living the life I so desire to have without having to live in continual fear, anxiety or anger about doing what I used to dislike because it the circumstances that it once involved, I can now be at much more ease than I once was and actually be satisfied by living my life to the fullest and not have to be constantly on edge about things being stressful or being on edge about the anger or frustration of others that I did not need to hear, I can actually breathe a sigh of relief and be me for once and allow my life to set its own journey for once.

And while there are parts of me that feel deep resentment for what was, there is also a part of me that realizes that even though things may be different, they just were not for me, and I was not meant to make life there as it was. In fact, it has been better for many other people, and I am happy being here where I am in the environment that I am in. It is going to be up to me to make the difference by taking initiative and doing what I had done in the past to be active in the way I was and not continue to make excuses as to why I can’t do what is needed to be done for my overall health as if living in my current home is some kind of excuse to not want to do it. It is embracing what is in the here and now and working with what I have by accepting it for what it is and allowing it to grow with me as I work towards making my life more satisfying for me and allowing me to accept what has been given to me  and not keep thinking of what was or where I am in a hasty way, rather accepting it as a blessing. I want to continue to hope to see that more rather than a punishment because it has been a long journey, and I am grateful for the things I have in the here and now because they are hard to come by and I know that each day.