It is often stated that autistic people prefer to be alone throughout life. However, when they age as I do and enter their own sort of independence to where there is time for them to be to their own thinking, loneliness can subside and overtake their way of thinking where it can cause individuals to react differently and not want to be a bother to those that care or love them.

I experienced such a way of thinking this past weekend. It was a long week prior with a full schedule and as such, I overslept at the beginning of the weekend to the point where it was hard to get navigating about. There were plenty of things to get done, but I just was not motivated to do them. I did know that I had to go to the grocery store as I was depleted with soda and to me, I will often do whatever is necessary to ensure that I am able to get that as I enjoy it very much. Even though the walk through the neighborhood was particularly challenging, I did do it and was able to take out the trash and get the mail at the same time.

Yet, there were many things that needed to be done and I procrastinated at them because of wanting to feel pitiful and lonely. While I did eat some food, after which I did fall asleep until it was time to again take my medication and go to bed, which I was proud of myself for doing, however I was lacking the ability to have a much-desired conversation with my loved ones.

I knew that it was as simple as opening the phone and pushing the button for my loved one, yet I found it one of the hardest things to because it made me feel as if I was needy and needed attention instead of being the “tough dog” and being able to fight the fight on my own. On the latter half of the weekend, it did not prove well as I felt excessively needy to the point that my loved ones did not feel that I was caring for myself in the way that I needed to because of all the sleeping, which was totally untrue, but it seemed that way because the behavior appeared in the way as if it was in the past.

However, I do understand that I need to do more connect with others thing. It is not something that comes easy to me. It is something that I do want by my anxiety pushes me back from making the advances beyond what I feel comfortable doing. This can also bring down my self-esteem and make me feel as if I do not deserve the things that I am entitled to, such as having friends, even if they are not to the romantic level.

I will agree that there is a need to make an advance towards getting a friend and that getting one also requires being one. I can be one of the kindest people that you can ever meet, but as it is often perceived in those that love and care for me, I show an ugly side because I want them to know how hard it is to have a friend and that I am also hurting too.

I and my parents know that there will be a time when they will not be able to do the things that they do for me at this point. It is an awkward thing to digest. It can also be hard to swallow the fact that it will require me to adult and do even more things that are out of my comfort zone. It is going to be hard to accept these things and I guess why there is so much of a push to get out of my comfort zone for when the point comes when I will have to do more of these things of which can open so many more doors to possibilities that I can imagine at this point. But my anxiety rules my brain and will not allow me to do something that is new or feels uncomfortable to me because I feel like the worst possible thing could happen and I cannot realize that there may be something good that could result in taking a leap outside of my comfort zone.

It takes a lot to get through the lonely times and I must realize that for the time being I must reach out to those I know and trust for help even though I may think it is not the proudest thing to do. It is a lot better than what the outcome could be by holding in all those emotions and not doing better things with them. There will be a time that I will need to step outside of my comfort zone, and I know that I need to be braver and do that more as I allow myself to grow from the experiences that I have learned from in my life.