For far too long, my mind has been in a negative mindset. It could only think about the things that were wrong in my life or that anxiety came into play of wanting me to run away from the things that I found uncomfortable to do or experience. I am slowly rewiring my brain to allow myself to find the happy moments in my life and work towards a better future.

There have been many things that have contributed to me being in the negative mindset. For many years, I had felt trapped in the same rut that had made me feel uneasy because I did not enjoy what I had to endure and what was needed for me to have the things that I needed to have. It was also many years of not listening to everything in psychotherapy seriously and realizing that I needed to do what I was told to see a difference being made.

It was also realizing that I needed to distance myself from those who were constantly negative or fed me content that was not beneficial to my mental health or not allowing myself to see that they were the one behind the friction of what was being experienced. This in turn made me bitter about experiencing what needed to be experienced and at times, I took out on those that were close to me as a way of “payback” for what I was feeling.

But doing that did not allow me to solve the issue at hand. Eventually through a combination of working at building boundaries and learning from bad experiences, I realized that I too was the culprit of why I was at times so miserable and that I had to do the work at seeing more of the good things that are in my life instead of seeing all that was wrong or being on a negative pursuit of the agendas of others that was not helpful to me or my mental health.

I will not lie that persevering thoughts appear in my mind from time to time, however I understand that is part of my autism and that I needed to look at diverting to the things that indeed make me happy instead of dwelling on things that don’t even have value at this point or keep me from enjoying life in the way that I need to.

Life is never perfect, but through many events in the past year, I had to accelerate what I needed to do to not be the problem and rather be the solution to why I was feeling so miserable all the time. I needed to do the work to be happier because I was the one that was holding myself back from that and taking out my negativity at the expense of others was very unhealthy for many parties and I needed to allow myself to realize that I was the one that I was allowing the misery to enter and brew in my life and not realizing that it was partly my fault by not addressing the issues that I needed to face was only setting me deeper in the hole that I was in and not allowing myself to see that I too could have the happiness that I so much deserved!