Finding the word perseveration has been a relief in what I have been experiencing for some time now. Sometimes it is seeing those thoughts and allowing myself to realize there is more to the thought that is persevering and that I need to focus on things that are better than the thoughts that are loping in my head.

Perseveration is when someone “gets stuck” on a topic or an idea. You may have heard the term regarding autism, but it can affect others, too. People who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way repeatedly. But they can get stuck on their emotions, actions, and thoughts, too. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything.

Perseveration is something that is constant in my life as an autistic human being. There are thoughts that go back many years to instances of where it was challenging for me to endure the things about certain people or methods about things, primarily because they are things that I was told to believe they were true without seeing things through all sides of a situation.

There are many things that could trigger this, but this can be at times when I do not have things to occupy my mind with. This can include being in a silent space where there is no noise pollution to fulfill my mind. Most times, the thoughts that are persevering in my mind are about experiences and situations that no longer exist because they have since changed. Yet, because they have been told to me for far too long, they are what I continue to at times be hinged on and allow myself to continue to perseverate on these useless thoughts that will not change the outcome of anything.  In fact, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome of what happened back then, nor it will change the outcome in the future.

Yet, over the past near year since the merits of these thoughts have diminished, it has gradually been easier since I understand that it is part of being autistic. It is also learning that I need to let go of those thoughts that no longer are of value or exist. That has included being able to allow myself to accept and understand that I must work at finding things to occupy my time that are valuable and will allow what I the thoughts to diminish.

It finally feels relieving that there is a part of my life that is finally understood and while I did know that it was part of my life being autistic, I can now put a word to what I am experiencing, that it is perfectly normal to experience these things. Things do get better and while they did happen in the past, It is realizing that the things that are persevering in my head are no longer existent at the current moment and I need to allow myself to have grace in the growth of being an autistic person from the dark ages and making sense of what I have been experiencing all along.