Throughout my journey as an autistic adult, I navigate through some pretty challenging thoughts that eventually result in self-pity or passive aggressiveness. It can also be performed in the sense of echolalia and eventually bring me down greatly in my mood. Although I know these feelings are only temporary, they are still disruptive to the matters of the day and can spoil so much of my life.

There are many falsehoods about the things that I think about myself quite often. When I am thinking about these things, it can be challenging moments of the past where I would want to get my thoughts across, even if they are no longer valid, they can still linger in my head and make me feel the self-pity I feel about myself.

When I feel that I just want to be heard, I transgress this mostly with those that think are going to know that I get that way, mostly those that care for me or on my treatment team. It is not any of their faults, but often it is hard to see beyond the scope of what I am thinking at that very moment and allow myself to see all the good things that have happened along the way and how things are in this very moment.

These thoughts never escalate beyond these points, and for that I am grateful. I know to never act out on what I am thinking about because in my right mind, that is not the person that everyone in the public eye knows and appreciates. It can be hard to see things that are good because they are not always rapidly visible to me, or they are not the things that I quickly go to in my brain.

It can be frustrating for those that love me to see where I get these thoughts of negativity when there is so much to be positive. In fact, there is a lot to be positive, but there are also a lot of struggles too and everyone experiences them regardless of their neurotype. However, the struggles are oftentimes the pieces of the day that cause me to want to set back into negative ways and eventually get into the old habits that I was used to.

 There are times when everyone struggles, and it can be hard to realize that it is a part of life.  I know that I need to be better at bouncing back when those challenging thoughts set in my mind and not allow them to stay within there forever. I must realize that I have to also do the work towards making the changes for the better because a lot of what I am thinking either no longer exists or is not true to me.

It can be hard to let go of the things that produce the negative thinking because it was based on past thoughts or experiences that I did not like or caused strife within myself or others. My mind wants to think that I can change everything to my liking, but that is not always an option for me. I’ve been better at this and I need to give myself more grace as time moves along, but there’s always a lot going on there with my past that always boils down to the negative thoughts.

Slowly,  I am working at letting things go and realizing that I cannot sit and let my brain brew this negative energy that I once had for years because those things that happened in the past happened and I need to work at fulfilling better habits when these things occur so they do not end up as bad as they have been in the past.

There is so much that is good about me, yet the negative is often the first that is brought to light because it is raging so much, but changing the narrative about those thoughts will help in making things better eventually.