For the last five years, sleeping at night was not always my priority. Through one reason or another, I had missed the bedtime dose of my medication get away from me because there was a point of life that enjoyed my ability to experience the world that had hardly gotten to experience in my life.

As a child prior to my diagnosis, there was sometimes where my brain would not let me go to sleep. This majorly happened when my anxiety kicked up into overdrive and would not shut down at night. After I was given my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome over 25 years ago, it was later discovered that I had experienced difficulties sleeping. I was given a psychotropic medication to help in winding my brain down at night so I could sleep. In the beginning years, I slept a lot and was not as attentive as I would have liked to when I got up. This happened more on the weekends because I may have felt that there was nothing purposeful for me to get up and start the day.

There were some instances when I was living with my parents that I had mistakenly forgotten to take my medication. I did not want to sleep and as such I enjoyed what I would later discover as a mania with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I was experiencing because I was feeling accomplished in nature. However, in those instances, I immediately took my medication the next day and returned to my normal routine.

A few years later, when I moved out on my own for the very first time, the instances would begin where I would forget to take my medicine, eventually, I continued to like what I was experiencing, so the pattern would continue, however, my overall dosing was completely out of rhythm and others were beginning to slowly see the adverse effects of me not taking my medicine. My therapist had received phone calls from others on my treatment team and had me face reality.

And while it did sit in for a brief period, there were other issues within my home at the time that kept me on edge, and I continued to spiral, and the living situation eventually became unhabitable to where I had to move back in with my parents. Within the next 45 days, the nation shut down due to the COVID-19 Pandemic and yet because everything was not in routine and I was trapped in a small home with a truly diverse and unique living dynamic, things at times got severe. Thankfully, my therapist was able to intervene both times and I was able to continue to live life.

Near the end of 2020, I was able to secure my current home and be able to be independently living again. Yet, I could not continue to get the hint. There were times when there was constant up all nights and my mood was like a yo-yo.  You could not tell if I was in a good mood and my parents were often on the passive aggressive end of my taunts amid very challenging situations that seemed to be happening everywhere and I knew it needed to be nipped in the bud, yet I could not see the silver lining that I needed to see.

If any year needed to prove that change, you would have thought that 2023 had been that one. I had what has been determined as my last meltdown at day services towards someone and at that point I had to decide to give up tea. Over a month later, I made the destructive decision to cut two latter doses of medication out of my life, including my evening medication. On August 29, 2023, in my former office at work before I moved, I had a crash from an exceedingly long manic episode and had to take time to restore myself to my normal state while my workplace moved.

And even after returning to work and later even as in recent months arrangements had continued to change my transportation to and from work and day services, I still could not get the hint. But what had come was in subsequent hints last week and weekend of the necessary reasons that not taking my medication and getting enough sleep could result in like losing my job or my home because of not taking my medication and going to sleep each night.

So now as something that many autistic people struggle with such as sleep is something that when I am not caring for my mental health can be something that can too be lost, but there is now a need to be more dedicated to making sure that I have the appropriate routine each night and that includes being sure to get my medication and go to sleep.