Over the past decade, I have made attempts to love others, but it came at a cost. It came with the cost of not caring for myself or the inability to accept that I was not compatible with others. At the same time, I was unable to realize that I was doing things that were way out of line for me. My family was able to see that even though I was stepping into what was perceived to be out of my comfort zone, I was not comfortable in doing so.

There were parts of me that I liked about what my interests were, but I did not understand or accept where I fell within the spectrum because I was unable to understand and see that I needed to care for myself, and I was being very vivacious and unpredictable in behavior. I caused concern in my family and those that provided treatment and support for me. I had to learn to accept myself for what I am and that caring for myself came first.

I had some of what I would call relationships that were out of the normal for me. In those relationships, I realized that I was pressured into them because of being autistic, I struggled with social pragmatics and that it was a prompt to engage in a deeper relationship until it was too late to back out. Additionally, because of my autistic traits, I was a people pleaser and extended myself at times too far than I should have, doing things that were against the norm for me and even if they were outside of my comfort zone, they were things that I knew were either against what I did, stood for, or knew wasn’t right.

I wasted so much energy cumulative over many years on toxic relationships that I did not walk away from it until it overconsumed my time. My parents knew that it was taking a toll on me, yet the did what they could to support me, and they tried to make me how the relationships were destroying me, yet I kept going because I struggled with standing my ground and walking away until I had enough or had to reach out for unbiased support to see the situation through an outside lens. At that point, I realized that I had to let things go.

It meant that I had to put up boundaries around my past triggers were and understanding that I needed to care for my wellness first and foremost and that in turn caused me to be more grounded in not wanting to have the relationships that I once had and that while it is nice to have friends, it doesn’t mean that I have to do things that I know make me pressured and uncomfortable.

I had to learn that I have to love myself authentically for what I need to do to care for my mental health and within that I realized that having a relationship with another person is just too much for me when it takes a lot to just care for me and be able to function in a world where things are not always comfortable for me.

Yes, I know that I need to have friends, but there must be an understanding and acceptance that extending myself into a relationship with another person is just too much for me and that is perfectly acceptable to be the person that I am and live life the way that I choose to do so.

February and Valentines Day is all about love, but there is Singles Awareness Day on February 15^th and that is the day that I choose to honor the fact that I am who I am and that I love myself for each part of my life.