When navigating the social landscape as an autistic person, a common trait is to be vulnerable and people-pleasing. It can cause one to get into very uncomfortable situations if boundaries are not defined, yet there are still challenges when anxiety or the gut instinct calls for you do not oblige to someone’s offer because you fear that they will be angry or hurt them or their feelings.

 Social situations for autistic adults are complex at best. There are so many unwritten rules and norms that are not understood. When someone shows their interest in us, we feel like we are getting somewhere and when we connect mutually, we feel as if we hit the jackpot of the human lottery. However, the world is not platonic in nature and there are plenty of beings that prey on others and as such autistic people are oftentimes victim to many things mainly because they become susceptible and believe the things that others say as the weight of gold.

The gullibility factor comes deeply into play and unless someone intervenes,  there is a deep desire to please the other party because the individual fears wants to do nothing but to make the other person happy because they fear a negative reaction in them along with worrying about their own happiness being taken away from them and that the sun rises and sets on this person and unless they are utterly convinced otherwise, there is nothing that will change their opinion on the matter.

There is also the factor of continual teaching of the need to comply with the order or command of someone you look up to or is an authority figure. Many reasons can be behind this. But in any kind of connection with another human being, the understanding of consent and the word no is a must. There is more of a potential in an autistic person’s life to not disrespect the desires or orders of others. However, as human beings and Moreso as adults, we have the right to not oblige to a consent, request, or order if we understand and acknowledge the consequences of doing so.

I know firsthand when the need arises to decline something because I don’t want or know it it’s not right or unhealthy for me. Just like my fellow autistic beings, I want to have the same connection, but it took me a long time and lots of learning to know that I had to create boundaries around what I knew wasn’t right in a normal world. Maybe it is from my days at vocational training where I was intermingled with several other peers that was quite diverse and caused me to learn to get my street smarts, I will admit that doing so had my guard up too much and I paid a great price while I was there for not opening up myself more, but to some degree I have made amends with those I have needed to.

Likewise, there can be such a challenge when a friendship or relationship is desired to go to the next level by the other person. You may very well have your reasons, but at times there can be no harm in wanting to do things that may not even get to the extremes you may think. As autistic individuals, we can sometimes have no filter, but I have the tact to not do that, yet when the point comes to connect to the next level or have a friend in real life, I worry about the worst possible thing without being honest in plain language about what my desires or what I want in a connection with someone. My method for a long time because anxiety comes into play is to run away from discussions that are sometimes are hard or commit to things that I do not feel comfortable doing.

In the end, it is building those boundaries around the things that we know make us uncomfortable or don’t want in ourselves. It is also understanding that it is perfectly acceptable to say no as long as we accept and understand what that entails and that sometimes we are going to lose others over not giving in to someone else’s request, but as long as we are safe and can move on, that is all that matters.