Throughout life, I have been called the loser and been the loner. The one that doesn’t have those connections that that neurotypical individuals have. It is common that autistic individuals are alone a great deal of the time, but I guess I have just become accustomed of being entertained in my own personal way.

It is not that I am totally lonely. I have people I connect to every now and then. I go to work and the day services, but I don’t connect more on a friend basis. There is part of me that wants to do that, but for so long after longing to get to that point, my anxiety plays a big part in driving me away from making that connection because I fear of the worst possible situation could happen even though I would likely only ever connect with people I truly and honestly know, yet there is this part of me that lives in fear that something terrible will happen.

It is not like I haven’t had offers to connect with others In the outside world, and these are people that I have had a close relationship with at times either through my travels or other experiences, yet there is always a part in me that just wants to make excuses and push away from what makes me comfortable and has predictability. I guess that is the autism and anxiety kicking in at its best making me want to stay comfortable with the situation that I am in.

Yes, there is a part of me that feels comfortable with the life that I am in. However, there are parts of me that want more at times. However, it feels scary to connect with others in an environment or worlds that may not feel comfortable to me because I am unable to control what I am feeling at that given moment, and I worry that something unrealistic will happen. It would be the one in a million thing that I could not plan for, and I would think that It would be the thing that would happen to me, that is my deepest concern.

I know that I cannot plan for every single contingency that would happen when encountering something that feels uncomfortable for me and not be exactly what I expected. It is not like I cannot master conversation, I do very well at my job as a survey worker. I guess that is because there is a lot of predictability to the survey tool and that I know how and when to say what I need to when the moment arises. But when making things like small talk, yet something that I know that I can do well with, I get nervous and the anxiety kicks because I fear saying the wrong thing that can shift the conversation in an offensive or completely different direction than what it is intended.

Over the nearly four decades of living, I have been bestowed the ability to connect with so many people regardless of neurotype, yet connecting with them on a personal level can be the most difficult thing to do because I fear the worst thing could happen for both of us or anyone in that circle even though people have become to accept and love me for who I am, yet the fact of being able to connect with someone on a more personal level and letting them more into my life seems like something totally foreign to me.

I know that those that I do have a close connection with now are getting up in age and that I need to make better connections before it is too late in life, yet there is still part of me that holds back and continues to be the loner in life. Hopefully within time that will change and I will build my friendship network bigger and better.