For most of the past five years, I had not been adherent to my medication. It has the pattern of spiraling, but what is worse about it is the fact that I was not always honest about my dosing and journaling of it so that steps can be taken to make the situation better.

Without a doubt since writing this blog four years ago, it has been one of the biggest hurdles that I have ever been faced with. I know that it needs to be more of a necessity and a habit as well. I know that I need to be more honest about my struggles and understand that a constant medication regimen is necessary to be able to do things outside of my safe spaces so if something unexpected happens, I can oversee it with more ease and tact.

For three months, I have been documenting my sleep and medication to see when problem areas arise. Being something that has not always been consistent for many years it is something that I know that I need to get into a better routine of doing at more predictable times, especially when it comes to going to bed at night and preparing for the next day.

It also means that I need to be responsible with the directives set by my treatment team by being honest when I struggle and take time for my self if I am able to and need to when mistakes happen, because there are times when they may happen and instead of putting on a mask and lying my way through it, which I do mostly out of fear of being caught red-handed or of being ridiculed, I know that I need to be better about my habits and being honest and following the directives given to me is the best policy.

Nothing is going to be perfect along the way and yes there are going to be struggles, but it is me also redefining my relationship with my certain medication and the necessity of it other than the ways that I used to think about it. It is to help me and not hurt me, but most importantly it is the fact that I can be more dependable and trusted to know that I am doing what is expected of me and not being volatile as I have been over the past few years.

As to whether I may or may not think that I need the medicine, I know in the end it is the better thing for me and that when I do not take it and someone that cares about and trusts me needs to know that it is understandable that they will help me and not cause immediate harm to me. It is important to be honest with those that are providing care to me with my struggles because they cannot help me unless I am honest with them about my additional challenges that I am facing so they can protect me and get me what I need.

Sometimes, we need to see in ourselves the things that we need to do to work towards our betterment or ourselves by being proud of the small milestones like that late night dosing after many hours of sleep or the fact that you can be truly med adherent for a week. Those are small victories and should be worth honoring and not deflecting the non-adherence by lying to those that care about you what you are not doing and passing it off that you have it under control when in fact you do not.

In the end, I realized that honesty is the best way to address my struggles and made me able to see myself getting on the right track and following as much as possible a routine that meets my needs to the best of my ability. When mistakes happen, it means that I need to be honest with myself and others along with taking the necessary self-care to get myself back into the routine I need to.