As in yesterday’s blog post, it has been five months since I had a manic episode because of destructive decisions. The day after that episode, I eliminated caffeine from my life. I am proud to say that it has been five months since I have upheld my vow to live caffeine free. If you have the will to do something, you will do it.

The talk of being caffeine free has been a known fact that has been needed to happen in my life as a person with multiple behaviors that become amplified with caffeine in my system. My parents were always trying to teach me the necessity of living such a lifestyle, yet I gawked and became angry when they had told me such because I had thought that they were trying to make me a child.

However, having that manic episode five months ago really put the fear in me and made me realize that things could possibly be better in my life if I allowed myself to be receptive to the idea. This was mainly because I was restricted to being at home while getting back on my medication full time. Therefore, I had the opportunity to deal with being out of the temptation to want to have caffeine when left to my own devices, which became the triggers of having me return to the wanting of caffeine.

Upon my return to day services from my episode, I was able to work with the staff in the Food Service unit there to have caffeine free soda in stock in their snack shop. I had made some trips to the local gas station but due to some other concerns that I had about being there, it has been a long time since I have been there, and I don’t really have a desire to go there just out of concern of the traffic and the activities that are taking place there.

In fact, as a result of me choosing to live the caffeine free lifestyle, in recent weeks, I have been able to witness that my peers in day services have been also making the switch to caffeine free soda at times, which is making me proud because it is something that I communicated a need for and it has been something that other individuals at my day services are beginning to realize that can have an effect on their mental health and that they too had a desire to have other caffeine free beverages than Ginger Ale, of which doesn’t always do the trick for me.

While due to accessibility at times caffeine free is not necessarily meant as calorie free. I do understand the reality of having empty calories and working my best to not have to go that route, but sometimes having a craving for a soda after many years of wishing to have caffeinated sodas at times must be a viable option rather than going without. Essentially, it boils down to the fact of the reality that the desire is there and in a brain such as mine, it just cannot go away from having the desire that it has. Knowing that I cannot have caffeine in my life at times requires me to choose the less desirable option, even though I know it is not the right one. None of them are and I wish someday I could eliminate them totally, but I am guessing that too will come within time.

The world is imperfect, and things happen, but being five months caffeine-free is a big step for me. Going forward, I know that I need to lessen how many sodas I am having on a daily basis and that will be a better goal for 2024.