It is hard to believe that five months ago was the last day that I was in my employer’s former location having a manic episode after greatly reducing my medication against doctor’s advice over two months. However, over the past five months, I have gotten back on track and understand that I can never do that again and I am a much better person because of it.

 I still to this day cannot answer as to why I made that decision. It is something that I still live with every day, yet there were still smaller struggles since to understand the necessity of needing to take my medication at regular intervals until a few weeks ago. I now fully recognize and accept my medication for what it is, but I also know that I need to work on things like better nutrition and exercise to counteract the side effects of my medication including increased appetite and weight gain.

Another part is finally understanding and coming to terms with the fact I thought that I was experiencing autistic burnout because my body wasn’t fully rested from fully adhering to a medication regimen. After finally getting back on track and resting over the course of a few days, I am beginning to be able to establish a routine for myself. Yes, not every day is perfect, but it continues to be more and more of a learning experience for me and the fact that I am accepting more about recognizing what I need to do and acknowledging where past mistakes were made allows me to continue to grow.

I eventually realized on my own little by little all the damage that I have caused to myself and saw how it at times affected others and how crucial all medication is to be taken every single day and at every single dose. It also taught me that I had to eliminate caffeine from my life (more on that tomorrow) to improve my wellness, understanding that living is possible if you do not allow the bad things to consume your life. If you are focusing on the better things and not totally on things that are toxic and not good for your mental health, then you will understand the necessity of doing what you need to do to be well.

For me, once I started to get back on track, little by little, I started to analyze situations and things that I did to allow myself to see when I didn’t take my medication the things that were different and unhealthy for me. After slowly understanding that those things were different than what they needed to be, I realized that I needed to be steadier and make the right decisions, all the time, every day.

This is not to mention that there were tools and devices to aid me in the administration of my medication, however I just disregarded them out of sheer ignorance because I was angry of the continual many hours of sleeping and unproductive time, but in reality I experienced bouts of unproductivity because I was lacking great amounts of sleep and not taking my medication which in turn allowed me to get the rest that I needed in order function In the world along with other things that I did not think about when it came to managing all of my conditions, not just the ones that I wanted to deal with, like sleep or weight gain.

In fact, I need sleep and the weight gain is what it is. There is a reality that I have medication for a reason and there was a lot of work put in place to acquire the correct medication, dosages, and frequency for me to be able to function in society. It is knowing that there was a lot of work t get where I am and ever relapsing again can have more adverse consequences than I had the last time. Therefore, it is important to remember that it is important to take my medications, all of them, at each interval.

The reality is that I have learned so much about myself and know that I never want to go back to the ways things were, because they were not the best. I know there is a lot of good faith that I am doing what is necessary for me to be well and I want to continue to hold up to the guarantees I have made.