Throughout life I have had crushing anxiety that has prevented me from doing things that are new or cause discomfort in me. I have come to the point that I have realized that I finally must be better at my guard down and do things that I may need to do even if they are uncomfortable for me.

Many times, if people see me from the outside, they don’t even realize that I have challenges, especially if I am good at masking them. I can mask greatly and get through the parts that are easy for me, like interacting with others if must go out in public and do what society asks of me. However, when it comes to communication on a more personal level and doing something with other people for the first time, my anxiety arises, and it gets to the point where I just want to avoid it altogether.

As I close on my fourth decade of living, I begin to realize that my parents, who are the focal point of my support, are not going to be here forever. In fact, I have experienced some of that this past week as they have been sick, and I have had to fend for some on my own. Yes, I have a sibling, but I was too anxious to let down my pride and call them before our weekly call to explain what had been happening until our weekly call. They shared their concern and wondered why I didn’t reach out to them if I needed something.

For me, I feel ashamed that I must either ask for help, need assistance, or extend myself beyond what I already know in my life. My anxiety skyrockets and catastrophizes to what the worst possible scenario could happen if I let my guard down and did things that were outside the norm. As with all things in my life, doing something new causes me to be overly anxious out of extreme fear and the thought of wanting to do anything outside of the norm will eventually cause me to want to avoid it because I worry something terrible will happen.

When the thought of anything different is brought forth by my support / treatment team or even any friend or connection, I put up a defensive guard because I am afraid of getting hurt or rejected or something catastrophic happening. Even with people that I have gotten to know over time or things that I know that I can do can cause the most significant anxiety and the only thing I want to do is to shut down the debate at that point of the conversation.

I have stepped outside of my comfort zone many times to get to the point where I am today. It took me years to even consider the reality of moving out of my parents’ house. Then there are recent things like all the changes surrounding my transportation situation to and from day services that I was given a week’s notice of. As when those changes were known to me, all I wanted to do was go back to what I felt was comfortable. However, as in the most recent situation regarding transportation, it was something that couldn’t be avoided as I am certain that I would have been given more notice. Nonetheless, I was able to embrace the changes and just like anything else, these things have been a part of my life now.

I honestly know that I need to take a risk and expand out of my comfort zone by letting my guard down a little more when I know I can. I know that I can be a successful person if I give myself a chance to do so, but sometimes the fear overrides seeing the good in a situation and the happiness that it may bring. I know through trial and error that I ended up where I needed to be and that within time I will let myself be more of the person that I need to be to be able to support myself more and more and live the truest life that I know that I can live.