For many years, I have had difficulty in being satisfied with my life and all the things that I need to be grateful for. There are so many things in my life that I am fortunate to have, yet many times I get discouraged when I become dissatisfied with something along the way that it spoils the grand picture of life.

Yes, I am autistic and have many challenges. I do well because things are in a situation that things are easy for me to manage. Yet, many times, I get discouraged with things in my life like the way things must be done because of my challenges and the things that I must go through, like being on the road in two vehicles for two hours, for example. I never complain publicly or to the necessary people about my frustration because I just understand that it is what I must bear to be able to do things that are not only necessary for my survival, but for my mental health as well.

I would many times just keep my thoughts to myself because my feelings are many times discounted, I need to “adult” or that my concern is heard, but there is nothing that can be done. Unfortunately, there are realities in situations that I must face, and I do find coping strategies and defense mechanisms to not react negatively. I know that I know that reacting negatively in public is never a good solution, and I can be a good advocate when I feel I can be, but there are times when I can get a good read that voicing my concerns will not be addressed because I feel nothing will be done about it.

For far too long I took my frustration with my concerns in a vastly unique way towards my mother in a way that put a lot of strain on our relationship. Part of that was the fact that I was not adhering to my medication regimen and that altered my brain chemistry. Even though I believe that deep down she knew that I was not being adherent in that arena, out of a mother’s love, she tolerated my belittling frustration towards things that I thought were issues with my thought of her to fix them. She had to teach me the tough love that was needed for me to get though situations and there were some bad ones. Everyone knew I was frustrated and at points I had a meltdown. I never wanted to act in that manner, but I had no way to get my frustrations out and chose that manner because I got overloaded.

I know it is important to use my voice and thoughts to communicate and that I need to communicate effectively in order to get my point across, but there are times when I feel that my disabilities or past behaviors are taken into account, putting me at a disadvantage in finding solutions to issues that I may have but the other party wishes to dismiss them or hide them from being issues, thus further frustrating me.

I know that I need to find a way to channel my frustration. Going to the gym or walking on the treadmill has helped me immensely in that arena and that being adherent with medication and sleep have helped as well. However, it is sometimes when the frustrations become too much and while I have a great support system and treatment team, I feel that what I am feeling is so perceived as minor in nature and I am not understood or heard as much as I would like to be. Reactinghat bBeing verbally aggressive or reacting negatively to things that are frustrating is not the way to solve issues or cure my frustration.

I know that I have SO much to be grateful for in my life and that I have SO much that others don’t, but there are times that I feel so negative about situations and at times that It can be hard to see pas the rumination and the looping thought where frustrating situations cannot go away. It is no one’s fault that they happen, they are what comes with being autistic and the fact that they at times fuel my anxiety by making me want to run away from situations does not help things either.

 I guess in the end, I have to work on myself more because I know that I am not alone in these battles that I am facing and while I am truly blessed to have the people In my life that I do, there are times that I just feel that I have to fit into a frustrating mold that at times doesn’t seem to fit because, I’m autistic and have other challenges that are managed to the point I can present and manage myself when I have to (or what is referred to as autistic masking), but when I have that down time, the looping and ruminating thoughts appear of past or frustrating situations that can never leave my head and that no medication can fix. Thart is just the reality of what life is sometimes, I guess. Autism is without a doubt tough to bear and takes a lot of energy. Medication Helps. But it does not solve everything.