Lately, after about five years of not caring for myself, I have been piecing together the pieces of history when I have not been at my best. Through that, I am beginning to realize why caring for myself by taking medication, getting sleep, or doing whatever I need to do to be well must come first place in my life.

It has always been told to me my medication is the “perfect cocktail” for what is needed for me to be well. Over the past five years and beyond when I have not taken my medication, there were many times I discouraged the fact that I was doing well when in fact I was not. There have been times when some of my mental health symptoms have come out in the world I navigated. I was at times called out on it, but often denied it because I did not want to talk about it because I knew it was never the right thing to do, ever.

Nearly over five years passed and slowly from the start of a very severe manic episode at work, I began to realize the importance and necessity of my medication and the role it plays in ensuring I can do the things that I need to do to survive in a world that is often not built to meet my needs. At times, I was barely surviving and was feeling sick both mentally and physically, yet I pushed my way through things because I was in a manic mode and combined with my autism, my brain just could not shut off the thought stream.

Yes, I was taught coping strategies and defense mechanisms, but medication for me plays a crucial role in making sure that I am well and can use the coping strategies when they are needed when medication alone cannot aid in improving the situation that I am. I am a very intellectual person, but at times I was in denial or just disregarded the fact that I needed ALL my medication because I was more concerned about the side effects than what they medications did and what happened by skipping doses frequently and the behavior that it produced.

Being able to have an epiphany and then piece together the times when did not take my medication along with listening to stores of peers on social media allowed me to see why it is ever more important to always take my medication at the proper dosage times no matter how I feel about it. Knowing what I know now has made me see how important it is in my life and how I need it to function in my daily life.

My support system and treatment team has told me continually to take all my medication, however it was not until I realized how challenging I was towards everyone that made me realize that I am such a better person when I am medicated and that lying gets you nowhere no matter how good you are at it. Those close to you can always realize that something just is not right with you, yet it is likely that they are afraid of asking you about it because they are afraid of how it will trigger you and how you will react to their questions.

I can say that in the times that I was asked at times, I brushed off the questions as I was ok and I was never candid about what I was truly experiencing, although, I know that there was many people that I know are concerned about me, but when I am not my best, they are really worried about me and that I have what I need to be well, especially if a lot o damage has been done to your mental health. It is never your fault, but you must work as best as you can to get back and stay on track because you need to be there for those that care about you.

But, hopefully moving forward from my past, I can see and realize that I made a lot of mistakes and know of the dangers of not taking my medication. It is a struggle at times, but I know in the end it is better than what the outcomes are by not having and/or taking my medication.