Carrying an autism diagnosis for over two and half decades, there at times can be difficulty in accepting things such as quirks, stims and so forth when I am able to be alone and autistically masking is not necessary for functioning in society. Even though it is perfectly fine to be my own way, I can continue to be concerned of being in trouble for my needs.

From an early age, I had always been corrected when not conforming to what was acceptable for a certain situation. When I would not conform to what was expected of me, I would be corrected and sometimes penalized for such actions, thus bringing the connotation that that behavior was not appropriate.

While there are indeed behaviors that are not appropriate at any time when functioning in society, there are those behaviors that are just fine to have but because of constantly being reminded of what was expected, there can be reluctance even in this day in age as to want to be free to do what is necessary for me to feel comfortable.

While I have been in a neuro-affirming environments for some time, until recently, I have not had the freedom to feel as free as I need to be to regulate myself when situations arise when I must do so.  Learning that there is no judgement when I am myself when it is appropriate to do so has done some wonders for me. It is like I do not feel so stressed to have to conform to what some unwritten rule or social expectation is when it is not necessary to do so.

While seeing this in action has allowed me to understand that things necessary for me to regulate myself are socially acceptable and come free of judgment because everyone accepts me for what is and how I must regulate myself to not cause a negative reaction in front of my peers. For me personally, this can especially be necessary in times where being patient, like waiting, is required.

Even in my own living environment, it can be hard to accept that if something is more comfortable for me and it is appropriate for me to be in that manner at the given time, that is perfectly acceptable for me to allow myself to be in a way that feels comfortable a not in the way that others or society wants me to conform to. Yes, there are expectations that need to be met to be considerate of others in my surroundings, but there should be no shame felt when things need to be a certain way for me to regulate myself, so I am calm when it is needed to do so.

While I do understand and follow my medication regimen as prescribed, and the medicine does help regulate me to a certain extent, there are times when things become a little more stressful than others and more regulation is necessary to aid in keeping me calm to reduce anxiety. At that juncture, I must be willing to accept that there are things I can and must do, when appropriate that I know that are completely acceptable to do to prevent me from overreacting. At the close of the third decade of my life, I am beginning to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to be my genuine self for all that I am while utilizing what is helpful for me along with things that are necessary for daily survival. It is embracing it all as appropriate despite what others may think. I am autistic and there is nothing that can change that.