There are times when people start to realize that they need to make a move forward and take the next step even if it may seem scary to others. For the first time in my adult life, I am taking a slightly better step towards independence, one that I thought I would never be able to see, but now that I can nearly see how it is going to look in action, I really cannot wait to see what it holds for me.

As a person who is autistic and has other challenges, including immense anxiety, there has often been great resistance when it comes to doing new things. It can be hard to seem that over a month ago my world has been completely changed in how I navigate my way to day services. For the first time, we would be utilizing the county paratransit system. I must say that this was a BIG change for me, and I was very reluctant to make it.

When it was told to me, I wanted to regress severely. My mind had gone to the extreme thought of having to dumpster dive or beg to continue my independence. I just couldn’t imagine how making such a change could be a positive thing. It did not help that in general there has long been a negative connotation on how the public transportation is in our county. My brain catastrophized much worse my life could be, even by making a list of pros and cons, thus seeing that the new option was better, by brain wouldn’t allow myself to see the need for me to at least play it out and see how it went.

Once I was onboarding the first week, I couldn’t imagine how I would have lived all these years without it. Albeit I do know that there was some rebuilding of the entity’s reputation due to an exasperated stigma over the years, the negative connotation and distrust that the public can sometimes continue to have. Not doing this for so many years has been what has been holding me back in doing what is needed for me to grow from where I have for too long been comfortable and seemed out of sorts.

Being in day services all my adult life, it can be hard to see that there has always been the intention of doing what the initial purposes is in life, just a stop in my journey. Reality is that the previous situation had made me disgruntled and irritated with the situation that I was in and even though I never had the opportunity to see what other opportunities were there for me to grow because, quite frankly, I was terrified of what the outcome could be, that I would continue to live in misery and see no hope in my future.

It is no lie that I was not optimistic about my future because I wasn’t happy with pieces of the way that it had to be. It constantly caused me to be anxious and always guess whether I would be able to make it through the day. Now by seeing that there is a hopeful future in my life that I can tolerate and know how it is going to be and what is expected of me, for the first time in several years, I can begin to breathe easier.

As loved ones that care for individuals with autism and other challenges along with themselves, the thought of increased independence can seem scary and make their loved one’s future at the same time seem weak. But, in today’s systems, there continues to be a greater push for more independence. The level of independence for everyone may vary due to their support need, but for individuals such as myself, it is at juncture that I am starting to see the benefits of the opportunities that are presented to me.  

When something just doesn’t seem to fit in your life and is more of a bother and creates more anxiety than what is intended to help you, then it is time to realize that you have outgrown it and need to slowly change the way you are doing things because you as the individual know that you can and will start to wonder how you lived without it. You realize that you are continuing to grow up more because you are being pushed into that way and if you can see it, you know that it is time.