Over the weekend, I was told that I deserve to be happy (and so much more). Nothing could be further from the truth. But for much of my life, my brain has automatically thought of everything negative in my life or the fact that I do not feel that I deserve happiness because of who I am. I am working to counteract that belief because deep down I know that I deserve happiness too!

Over many years because I had always felt that I was handed situations that I was not totally pleased with or I could not see anything good about it because my brain would only see everything wrong with it, I often sided with the negative and at times lashed it towards those that I thought would sympathize with me and validate the way I felt.

The reality is that anyone close to me that I sympathized with made me see the opposite and quite frankly, I refused to entertain the thought that there were good things to see in a situation, despite even being reminded of such. Yes, there has been a great deal of things in my life that weren’t so great over the past few years, but there were many good things too. To me, they were glimpses and I felt like I didn’t deserve them because of the struggles I faced.

Now that life has finally slowed down after many years of not being able to be stable, things are actually pretty good. There are also other things that are less negative and although they are different, I know that I need to be positive about them because they are much better and not take them for granted. It seems weird in a way that I can breathe a little and relax and not have to overthink or worry about things that may cause strife or excessive worry in my life.

It can be hard to imagine that there is life beyond the battles I have been fighting for the past five years. Like I can move on from all the bad things that happened and see that there is indeed a view where I can breathe easy and not constantly be on eggshells of what is going to happen the next few minutes. Yes, there are always things that can be improved and things that need to be done, but that is part of life, and I am embracing it more as part of the fabric of my life and not a burden.

The fact of the matter is that the past five years I have been fighting battles just to survive day to day that I have forgot that I can work on new interests or the things that I once found happy in doing. There are so many side projects that I said that I wanted to do over the past five years but because I have not been well, I had to focus on surviving that the void of the time was used for that purpose, and I couldn’t enjoy life for once. I have seemed to have forgotten what it is like to be happy on my personal level.

I also have been told by others that I am such a positive person and at times I wanted to laugh in their face because all I could see was everything that was going wrong in my life rather, I am doing good things in this world, no matter how small they may seem in life, they are a part of life that makes me feel good and I am appreciated for my willingness to use my talents in the way that I do.

So now that life has settled down after many years of being all over the place, it is time to look in a more positive direction and actually find the happiness that I greatly desire not only within my own self, but with other positive people that I allow in my life and be the person that I deserve to be towards them and all of those in the many roles that I am in. I need to see myself as a blessing to this world and that there is so much good about me and stop living in continuous fear of doing the wrong thing all the time because I been around the world quite a few times and need to live life while I can before it becomes too late and it escape my grasp, adding more things that  regret not doing. I have so many good traits to me, and I need to see those in me before pointing out everything I think is wrong with me so much.