My life comes with a lot of inner battles that I often fight on my own. Many of them wonder whether something is to be done on the basis that it is being an adult and doing what is right for me or going down my own path. However, I must realize that it is important to recognize what is best along with the fact that there are things that must be done in life.

Everyday can be a battle if you choose it to be. Whether to do basic things like eat, take my medicine, or go to bed. These are quite simple things and if I allow myself to do them just if I imagine a life that is so much better if I do them. It takes rewiring the long-embedded thoughts in my brain and realizing that things like eating, medication and sleep are indeed helpful for me.

It also takes being honest with myself and realizing that I need to do things as prescribed for some time to see if it is the reason behind the reason things are the way they are like the constant fatigue or the excessive sleepiness and realizing that having a good night’s sleep in pivotal in ensuring that I am off to a good start for the day.

It is the fact that I need to fight the urge to go to sleep when it arises and find something to keep engaged instead of buying into the need to constantly sleep. Part of reality is the fact that I do not plainly doze off in the middle of anywhere outside of my home and therefore at home I need to work on keeping busy so that I am not continually in bed sleeping for hours at a time, then eventually becoming frustrated with myself over the amount of “wasted” time that has passed out of my unwillingness to work towards fighting at continuously sleeping.

The reality is that the line is divided as to whether there is autistic burnout that is coming into play and if so, how much of my life is really contributed by autistic burnout and if indeed I am not keeping as engaged as I need to be. Therefore, it is up to me to find out as to whether of those statements are effective and if or not, I can blame the medicine as a preceptor to causing me to want to sleep continuously or not.

There is also the fact that I have yet to carve out a routine for myself in all the years of being independent because of myself and all the nonsense that I have gone through have never had the chance to do just that. I know that I cannot continue to return to bed to pass the time or allow it to fill my void of boredom because of one way or another. 

The reality is that I must find a way to find ways that are more engaging for me other than what I am doing presently because it is not filling the void of what is necessary to be done. There must be initiative for me instead of fighting the fight of whether to sleep or take my medicine to do something that is engaging to me and give them a chance to see if they will hold their substance in keeping me engaged.

Today is a new day, and therefore I need to work better at trying to fight the fight of doing what is needed. Yet, I must be the one that has to do the right things to keep engaged and try new things to avoid the temptation of wanting to continually sleep or being fatigued constantly. It has to be me that does that work at keeping up through the day and working on better things that are indeed healthier for me than what I have been trying in the past.

As they say, “if it is to be, it is up to me”. That parable hast to ring true in all forms of my life and this one too has the same type of method. I cannot continue to pass blame about what is wrong if I do not actually try to see if I can try to do things and not result in just being lazy about it as I have done in the past. Yes, I can make a change, but it takes willingness and drive to do so.