If any autistic person knows their mother best, it is known that they know them best. Until I hit my absolute worst nearly three months ago, I was reluctant to listen or be open to what my mother had to say, although she is my rock and has always known what has been best for me, although I haven’t been the best to her.

Since that fateful August day when I broke down at work and got home, she cared for me and had known when I started to make a turn for the worst, yet because of my reluctance to discuss it with her, she just stood back and watched me crumble. Even though I was continually deflective and greatly not honest about the things that I was not doing for the best part of five years, just as I was not honest about things with others. I had to realize that I really needed to get back on track with my medication and the elimination of caffeine from my food intake.

Nonetheless, she was there anytime I needed her to be there for me. My bed was essentially broke, and I essentially destroyed it after being frustrated, she got it to a makeshift mode and went to the furniture store and got what was needed the next day and had it delivered. Just that alone, I have been thankful for that and again letting her and others into my home after many years of not doing so. She is one of the most valuable supporters that is essential in me getting what I need for my home, taking me to my doctor’s appointments, or wherever else I need to go.

As much as it can be painstaking to include her in things such as my mental health treatment, I have accepted as much as she is in many other parts of my life that since I have left her out and she greatly loves and is concerned about my well being (as was many others), that she needs to be part of the conversation. I have to say that when it has come to having these conversations, they have been civil and well-rounded, but more recently, they have made me see that I have been missing a big part of what I have never did since moving out on my own.

Something that I have realized this week is the fact that over the past five years through all the changes in my routine, of which everyone in the world has had to experience change, I have been no exception. However, I have also realized that I have made many other changes throughout the past three months and while they have finally been part of the daily rituals, there has been no consistency to stay awake throughout the day due to the simple fact that I am just simply bored and chose to go to the bedroom and lay down out of boredom. Also, throughout the past five years my sleeping pattern was very skewed, so that can be part of the reason that I have never consistently good sleep.

For many years, I have often related the fact that one medication I take, while intended for me to wind down from all the consistent thoughts was used as a punishment by my parents for alone time. Yet, I through some early errors in my first apartment, I had allowed myself to get into the “I’m an adult and I’ll do what I want” phase and not realize that I am indeed a human and just like anyone else, I too need to sleep and that the medication that I struggled with was just not for that, but to also help with things as it relates to me being autistic and controlling things so life is more manageable for me.

My mother has made me seen that I was choosing to sleep excessively, partly from getting back on track from my destructive decision back in the summer, but also the fact that I never have had the true opportunity to set a routine for myself and actually work at trying to stay awake during the day and not allow myself to retreat to bed as a sense of fulfillment from boredom when there are so many things to do if I allow myself to see them.

Therefore, I am listening to what my mother knows, not because it is of an intimidation tactic, rather because she is being honest and I can see that and I actually need to give it a try and document things better along with creating better habits to help me get a good nights sleep instead of constantly worrying about what is going on in the world or not caring for myself because I do know that she does care about me so much that it is important to make sure that I am here for here in my best interest and way that I can be.