Nearly two decades ago, I was given the opportunity to go to vocational rehabilitation training an hour and a half away from my home. Because my parents had to fiercely advocate for me to attend there, I lived on edge in defense mode along with not understanding social pragmatism, thus continually being lost and lonely.

While I excelled in the classroom greatly and had no disciplinary issues, there is part of me that longed for connection. I was not totally left out, but for some reason I felt that I didn’t belong and that I had to be defensive because I knew that many at the school had reservations based on past behavior. Many of the staff felt optimistic about my stay, yet I was continually lost and defensive when connecting with others out of continual fear of rejection and being “weird.” Honestly, I think many of us at that age range at the time were discovering who we were ourselves.

It was a smaller melting pot of Pennsylvania and beyond with many people, mostly young, mostly male, many races, religious beliefs and beyond in a time when other orientations were not commonplace as they were today. For many, trying to fit in seemed difficult and I could read that vibe in others, and it caused me to be further defensive and live on survival mode.

I was afraid of making friends with others out of fear of being bullied or rejected. I had a roommate who I was constantly on the fence on whether I wanted to be their roommate. I had the opportunity for a private room but eventually removed myself off the list out of fear of disappointing my roommate.  We were similar in many ways, yet we did not communicate at that wavelength. It was like I was defensive of them and did not want to be in a compromising position. I was that way with many. Eventually a few years ago, we connected deeply on social media and realized who we really were and became. It was a huge relief to me.

Yet, there is regret about things I wish I could have done. I went on some outings but didn’t really connect with others. Others tried to connect with me, yet I was defensive to let them into my life because I feared things like getting in trouble, being rejected, or bullied. It is something that I often wish that I could go back to and change my life. But that is simply not possible.

It was, however, one of the experiences that I learned and grown from. It taught me some independence, although there was opportunity to enhance on those skills, I also regret the fact that I did not enhance on them so I could have moved on with life sooner and potentially not return to live with my parents. It would take two attempts until I moved on my own the first time over a decade later. Following that, it would take five years until I would absolve myself of being soundly independent.

I never discount the school for the opportunity that it provided me. I rode public transportation, the intercity passenger train, was responsible for things like taking my medication and getting up every day and much more. The vocational training program I chose gave me many skills I used on my current job and although I feel many times that I am back to square one often because I am at the same day program that I have been my entire adult life, I know I am making smaller changes and climbing milestones every day.