There are many times in my life that I don’t stop and think before it’s too late. It at times has caused some problems for me and others. Things that happened months, years and decades ago I still regret doing because I did not do the right things to either escape the situation or take care of myself.

Some of these things have had traumatic consequences and behaviors that still haunt me. There are times when they or thoughts like them rear themselves up in my headspace and can cause me to be angered or act differently. They can also cause me to react in my own way in the thought process of echolalia with saying either what I said then or what I think I want to say and think it is going to get a rise out of someone.

When I am my worst, I am like a monster, and I cannot stop and think. I am raging in anger; my voice becomes elevated and is very volatile. I have said things to others that I deeply regretted and there are times when the receiver has reacted back verbally or shut me down. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have not been physically aggressive or had to be involved with law enforcement. Being involved in uneducated law enforcement is a constant worry of mine. This is when I am uncertain of when things can turn array quite suddenly and possibly not have a desirable outcome.

I honestly know that over the past few years when I was not my best and could not be controlled, I know that there was divine intervention, and I was able to get to safety. But, what If there’s that one time that is not an option? What if I am triggered too much? I have had some brush ins with the law decades ago and know that it isn’t pleasant. I could lose everything that I have worked so hard for in such a short time. I know in my right mind that I do not want that to ever happen.

I am very intelligent, however when I do not do things that I need to do to be well, like take my medication and care for myself in the ways that I need to, that’s when things go sour. It has also come from years or counteracting my medication with caffeine, something that should have never been done. Yet for almost two decades, I continually fueled my body with excessive sugar and caffeine. Not properly adhering to my medication regimen at times only made mental health symptoms worse as time went on.

Although saying things without a filter is a trait of being autistic, that cannot always provide me an excuse when I do not stop and think from saying things that I may regret or act out of order. I have been very fortunate over time to not end up in situations that I am not able to get out of. Since my last episode, this hit home ever more because of the state that I was in and the fact that there were so many people concerned about me. I also know that I will get very sick from getting back on caffeine after being off it for two months. Medications are crucial to my mental well-being, and I now understand that as well. Those that are close to me know when I am not myself and it irritates me when they point out when it happens, that too is another reason of why taking care of myself is so important.

I have seen time and time again the outcomes of autistics and those with mental health challenges that are unable to care for their wellbeing. I have worked so hard to have the life that I have and need to be grateful and care for it, so I do not have history repeat itself. I couldn’t imagine what life other than the life that I am in would be like in a higher level of care. I don’t want to because I know that it would be not good and that is what makes it unthinkable. So I do what I need to do to take care of myself because know that it is crucial to do so in order to have the life I want and make being autistic and my mental health challenges manageable.