Even though I am in my late thirties, I still act sometimes like I am a child at heart. It can be hard to accept the fact that I need to adult and do things like upkeep my apartment and go to work while not being jealous of others who either have earned their time or are not able to live the life that I need or want to live.

I am in no way wanting to throw a pity party about the life I have. Quite frankly, I know that this is the life I must have and am quite grateful for the opportunity that I must be in the apartment complex that I am in. I work for one of the most understanding and accepting employers in my county and I know that. They saw me at my worst a few months ago and are one of the reasons that I got on the right track. I left the history that I had for the past five years and that event at that workplace, took time to take care of myself and get back on track.

In that time being off, I realized that I needed to work not only in a way that keeps me occupied and engaged, but also provides me financial wellness. When I got my earnings last week after being gone several weeks, it felt so empowering that I was able to earn money and not have to catch up with other people or be frugal to live. I can also breathe a sigh of relief because I can live the way that I want, while continually being mindful of my financial standpoint and preparing for the future and getting back to where I was prior to my episode a few months ago.

I am also grateful for disability benefits and know that being able to secure them almost two decades ago was no easy task either.  But in 2023, it is nearly impossible to live on your own on just my benefit amount alone. I do not want to lose my independence or live with my parents after first becoming independent over five years ago as I do enjoy my personal freedom and the family dynamic that I would have to endure, through no fault of my own, would be challenging. There are so many benefits of living independently and where I am, despite being in a negative mindset for several years about it. I couldn’t imagine life any other way.

Therefore, there are times that I know that I need to “grow up”, yet in struggle in doing so. My mother, who is also my biggest supporter is now mostly on the receiving end of what I dish out because when my mind gets in that negative mindset, I feel as if she is the one who I can feel safe verbally lashing out my frustrations at. I in my right mind know that this is unhealthy and need to attempt to stop this behavior. Although it has started to creep back slowly after getting back to work, there are so many good things about getting back to work and in a new location with a new mindset. There are so many positives that outweigh the negatives of not only working but also being in the new office location.

I am understanding more and more about all adults that would like to take it easy and just do nothing. But I know it is unhealthy for me and many others and being home or relying on my mother for my entertainment needs, as I did when I was living under my parents’ roof, is unhealthy. I still do things with her, but she also has things that she does on her own and she deserves that at her point in life. Me being jealous of the things she does without me is very unhealthy and I need to live my life too and in fact I do in my very own unique way.

Going forward, I need to be more of an adult and not think so much in a childlike manner. There are responsibilities that come with independence that are must-dos in life. Being jealous of what I do not completely know about or have wholly experienced only sets my mindset in a negative spin when I need to look at moving my life in a better direction. I am doing well, let’s keep it that way!