Lately, I have conceptualized the fact that I struggle when I have too much free time on my hands and as such I retreat to bed and disregard the fact that I need to be moving about and doing the necessary things for the day so I do not ruminate on thoughts that deeply boggle my mind.

I somewhat have always known the fact that isolation in long periods is not a good thing for me unless I have tasks to complete on certain terms. It is seriously one of the things that made me fearful of becoming independent. Luckily, I am in close proximity to some stores and other things, but if I want to leisurely purchase things, that has a financial burden to doing so. There are things around the house to be done, but I do have weekends. It is the fact that I truly have not returned to a more fledged schedule since the pandemic began over three years ago. 

So, I am now at a point where I am starting to get back well mentally and physically, thus this provides more free time for me and there are times that it can be unhealthy to just sit around and ruminate on senseless thoughts that can be looping. When I was unwell, I had many negative thoughts about going to the day program for one reason or another, but I do know that I am needed there and enjoy the company of the other individuals at times when that is needed. 

Accepting this hasn’t been easy but I feel I am in a good place where things are more balanced mentally and physically. It is also the fact that I do need more time to do things that I do enjoy at the day program and benefit well from. As someone that I have known for years, it is all about balance. Having that balance helps keep things mentally in check otherwise you are left with alone time or have the disregard to get out of bed and start the day. There were times last week that I slept many hours of the day with no regard for getting anything done.

Having the motivation to do what I need to do can be hard at times, especially when there is a lack of sleep or I experience periods of depression or autistic burnout. It is not that I do not know that I need to do things, it is just the fact my body is not able to do the things I need to do and as such it can be difficult to refocus my energy to where I need to focus it so things get done. You could tell me until I would be blue in the face, but until I gather the energy or have the want and will to do them, they just won’t be done.

In the end, I know that isolating myself is a very unhealthy thing to do, especially when I do not have things to do. I know this is especially true when I have depressive tendencies that cause a struggle and thoughts then loop and are of a ruminative nature. This can cause reactive behaviors and thoughts that just aren’t true and as such can send a mixed message to others that are unaware of how I am doing.

All in all, I have learned that isolation for me when there is nothing to keep me engaged is very unhealthy for me and can lead to very reactive behaviors. Therefore, I know that it is best to do what is needed in order to keep engaged and well and not turn down a destructive path.