As is often said, there is no such thing as ‘easy’ autism. Even in myself who has learned and grown so much from the dark ages, it seems many times that I have it all together, but there are times below the surface that it is indeed a struggle to keep things rolling and hold it together.

Granted, I know I am extremely blessed to have the life that I have, because I know that many with my conditions have many times much desolate lives compared to mine. I know that I was near turning that path over three years ago and finally three years since that point, things are on the trajectory for the better and progress is being made. It is not something that I take for granted. 

I see the effects of things that happen to my fellow autistic individuals that do not have the care and skills they need to thrive in society. When they are left to the trust of others unknown to them to care for them, it is to the effect of taking several steps back in their journey when it seems like there has been one step made forward. I think seeing these things is what ultimately keeps me fighting in those times that my brain perceives that is is bad, because essentially it is not. 

To be autistic and live independently is no small feat. There are times that you just want to give up fighting for things and just lay in bed all day because the brain wants to hide from reality. I have come to an understanding that there has to be a limit in doing such activity to properly manage my overnight sleep pattern. To a point, this has helped me understand that I need to have a healthy balance of sleep to withstand the day. I also have to make sure that there is a level of engagement throughout the day in order to not have myself get into bed and waste time sleeping the day away disengaged from the world. 

This means sometimes that I have to have the drive to do things outside of my home at times that I may otherwise not want to. Sometimes, it can be a battle to get out the door, but once I do, I do pretty well. The anxiety coupled with the lack of interest can cause me to be unmotivated to do things I know that I need to do in order to be well. It does mean that I have to fight the urges to retreat and sleep my life away as if I cannot find something to do to keep my brain engaged. 

Without a doubt there are times that I want to throw in the towel and give up what i am doing, but I know that is NEVER an option, as I am deeply depended on in many realms for things in my professional or personal lives and as such I know the world is a better place with me in it. 

However, I can attest as an autistic person that thoughts of giving up are scripted at times and while the answer may be an automatic trip to the psychiatric unit because many are concerned with how one is doing mentally, it is ultimately knowing that when one is really themselves and not themselves. Growing up, it took some time for my parents to understand that and now that I am on the right track, it is understanding that what is needed in my life to be well is indeed necessary and a must-do in fighting the life (and thoughts) that have to be fought.

It is knowing that the thought being portrayed in the brain is simply that, a thought, and I need to ignore it and tell it in my head to go away. This is not persistent, but requires me to do something in order to be engaged with something to distract myself to the looping thoughts in my head and allow them to control my brain and my body, thus wasting valuable time that could be used otherwise.

It is knowing when something is indeed serious or when you are indeed just going through the motions in life and knowing that you need to do what is needed for you to be well. It is also breaking down the fears and reaching out to the supports should you need them. I would have been nowhere today if I had not reached out to my support system in those challenging times. Just know that life will get better someday and that it is always worth fighting the fight.