Over the past month, part of understanding the need to be well, I have become more accommodating with the time factor in relation to time management along with accepting the fact that I struggle with executive function and dexterity.

I had always had such a rigidity with adhering to a regimented time schedule and as such there has been a time over the past few years that it has overtaken my executive functioning skills that my brain had me hyperfocused on the need to have certain tasks completed at certain times within the day. This made me unable to become flexible with things that come to the nature of the autistic person or having other factors that just cause autistic fatigue or burnout, thus having the need to decompress or recharge.

As such, after the fact of decompressing and recharging, I would be frustrated of my daily regimen being delayed or off by my necessity to be unable to function. My body knew it couldn’t function but my brain would tell me to fight it to the hilt. This would cause me to not want to shut down for the day and as such I would be angry and not take my medication that was necessary to help me wind down from the day.

I would fall asleep, but it would be inadequate sleep and I would awaken and be unfocused in a very unhealthy manner to the point it would go on for days, it would bring out a monster in me and my brain would function normally, however my body would thrive to survive. It would be days that I would ignore the days to get back on track. Eventually having a really explosive meltdown a few months ago along with a serious reality check, I realized that I had to make a change and get back on track for good.

Part of getting back on track meant the understanding and acceptance of how much of a window I would need to have when medicating for the night and having to awaken the next morning. This also meant that I had to accept that all tasks couldn’t be completed in a day or and if my body was telling me to shut down for the night, then I needed to do that.

It was having a new sense of introception that I haven’t learned in nearly five years of being independent because while I could administer my own medication, my parents always reassured that I did take it and when I did not or they could hear me at night moving around excessively, they knew that I did not take it . Frankly, it was the catalyst that sent the three of us into crisis twice during the COVID lockdowns and if it wasn’t for my therapist intervening, I would not be able to become independent again and have the ability to get back on track to where I am today. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have every morning that my feet hit the floor upon waking up.

As such in learning how to better manage my task load that means sometimes doing more of what I can the night before so I am not so pressed for time in the morning therefore I could have a window of shutdown time that I could ultimately be satisfied with and accept. It was also accepting the need to be more agile and exercise more in order to lessen screen and social media time

As I have said time and time again, I have finally come to terms with the need to be well. Understanding executive function along with time and task management was one of those stepping stones necessary in paving the way to finding acceptance with myself, finding closure with my past behavior and moving on with life. It has been a part of understanding and accepting myself and having a better quality of life.