Too often I have been self-critical of the things that I do that are not perfect. These can be when it comes to having to navigate the outside world and wanting to make things right. I realize that I am autistic, and many others know I am too. It hurts me when my delivery of saying what I need brings me down. Stopping myself from saying too much also contributes to this feeling. Although others have not called me out for it, I see it as a personal flaw. I think others judge me because I do not shift my thoughts. Instead of saying them out loud, I should keep them to myself.

I understand when it is time for me to speak to others. I also know when I should respond back. It has taken a lot to understand this. Not everyone is going to want to have me be a part of their lives or their conversations. They also not want to hear everything about my life. I know I have my own life and connections outside of where I’m most self-critical. Navigating the social landscape fills the void of loneliness. I want to contribute without realizing there are things to do. It’s important to follow social norms and pragmatics. Conversations can be challenging because they know I’m autistic. I have challenges in this regard. It can be hard knowing what’s done and acceptable in life. It’s OK to go through life as I do without fear or anger. What happened isn’t remembered, but often forgotten.

There are people who know how I am and how I act. Despite this, there is sometimes so much of a drive within myself to be the best that I can be. When something disrupts the perfection I seek, it can make me feel down. It can lead me out of the experience I crave, making me feel out of place. Though, I am often assured that is not true. It boils down to that all or nothing thinking. This mindset leads me to believe there is no room for me to be myself. I fear conversations about the way I carry myself even though people know that’s who I am. I want to avoid that. I want to fit in. I know perfectionism is not necessary all the time.

It can feel so hard when you think you’re constantly under scrutiny by others. Yet, deep down, you know they don’t give you as much attention as you think they do. Part of me wants to think it is that way. But, another part of me knows that isn’t true. It will never be the way my mind can spiral myself to think it should be. What matters most is that I take care of myself. I must focus on my needs. I should not worry about what others think of my conduct unless it truly needs my attention. Within time, I know it will get better and I will improve.