Throughout my life, I have been told that I had the choice to choose between misery and happiness. Most of my life, I would choose to be miserable. I made those around me feel bad. I was unwilling to see the good in my life. I only focused on the small struggles I felt at certain moments. I did not work at resolving my feelings. I neglected to see that there was so much more than what was making me miserable.

I am beginning to see more and more. There is so much more to see than what has brought me down. I have been in my own misery over the past several years. Being in a better place mentally has helped me immensely. I now see that life is worth living. This is better than the falsehood that suggests I can go without things like sleep and other essentials. Nothing in my life is so important that it must keep me going at the expense of reality. Sleep and other needs are essential, even if I try to convince myself otherwise.

I was probably miserable, irritated, and agitated over the past several years. I was unwilling to stop doing things to get the quality sleep I needed. This sleep was necessary to be my best and do the things I wanted to do. As a result, I found it difficult to do things I disliked. I also struggled with activities that took more effort. I had to realize that multiple factors contributed to my life. I had to understand that life was not solely about what made me miserable. There was so much more to live for beyond what I see and know existed in my life. These things gave me a false sense of feeling good. That was my mental health taking a toll on me and I just was unwilling to see it.

There are still moments when I feel the urge to bring myself down. I feel bad about the things in my life that I don’t like. I want to feel bad about things and pass the blame onto other people. They were trying to help me. For the longest time, I was even unwilling to see that so many people care about me. They all want nothing but the best for me. Even if I am miserable for a few seconds a day, I shouldn’t indulge in actions that make me feel bad. Indulging in such actions is not right. These feelings should not guide my actions. Feeling bad doesn’t justify actions that harm my well-being. I should not think that life is so bad when it really is not.

Granted being autistic and having co-occurring constant anxiety and mental health challenges isn’t easy to bear. However, just because one thing is bad doesn’t mean that the rest of my day has to be bad. It doesn’t mean that it is the end of the world. I just now do better at picking myself up and moving on. I know that it is the best thing to do. It makes things eventually better.