It has been a long life that I have led. Many of those years have been under the roof of my parents’ home. Then when I started to live on my own, I was not making the best decisions for my mental health. It took a toll on me. It also affected those around me. I had to pay the price many times for not making the right decisions. Those who continued to see the good things in me have given me the opportunity. They allowed me to do the things to keep myself well. They looked beyond the mental illnesses affecting me.

In life there are things that are mine to have. Sometimes they can need some guidance from others from time to time. But ultimately it is my responsibility. I have to make the best choice of how to use the things I have. Even though I have that power, I always feel my parents influence what I say. They also affect what I do. I feel it can be what makes or breaks them when it comes to making the decisions that I make. Even if I feel the need to make them, I always second guess. I wonder what my mother specifically would think when I am making them.

I am now of sound mind. I can make the right decisions for me. Knowing this can still be challenging because I know that I have the power. There is always a sense behind me. It feels like a childish sense of myself is in place. It is slighted to make decisions simply based on the destructive decisions of the past. I have greatly paid the price for the inappropriate choices I have made in the past few years. Yet, a sense always haunts me. It seems when I make decisions that are solely mine. It feels as if these decisions are not the best ones to make.

It can seem like the world is often against me when I try to fend for my own. It can seem like there is so much to be discredited about when things are so simple in nature. It has taken a lot for me to mature. I now do what is right. This comes after years of not making the soundest of decisions from an early age. For that too, I have paid the price when it comes to my decision making in some arenas. I still pay the price today. I feel frustrated by it sometimes even decades later. In honesty, early on I was just a teenager. I made some of the silliest decisions out of peer pressure. The way that our system was at the time allowed me to make those decisions. I was not cognizant of what they did for me. Eventually the effort was made for me to make sure those choices were not made again. Although intended to be temporary in nature, they somehow still exist and I still have to pay the price.

I have the power and autonomy to make the decisions I want. I am still more confident when I do what is best for me. It has taken time for me to start to self-advocate for what I want in life. Understanding what things totally involve has also taken time. But I am getting there. I am hopeful that in the future I will be at ease making more decisions. I want to make choices that are not harbored by what my mother believes is best for me. I understand she will not be around forever. I know I must carry a degree of responsibility when making decisions.