My life has been hard. There is no hiding that. But what hurts the most is having delayed echolalia about past events. These events repeat several times in the day. It wants my brain to keep thinking that I can make things happen that I know is not possible. But those phrases live in me several years later. I believe that they will bring me the comfort that I want. Yet, they will do quite the opposite.

There can be a host of emotions that pass through me when this occurs. Anxiety and anger can arise when I am triggered by past events. Thinking about battling recurring anxiety also contributes to these feelings. Deep down I know that I am stronger than the statements that I script or the thoughts that I think. Ultimately, I know that things are better, and I am safe. But, I hate the thoughts that keep recurring in my mind. They have been with me for several years now and never seem to go away completely.

I understand that I must always follow through with what I need to do. This is true despite the thoughts I have about something. It can seem like that can be the hardest part. Doing what is needed can be challenging when your brain often thinks about doing the opposite. But it is knowing that you will never process the emotions I am feeling. I find comfort in avoiding them instead of tackling them head on. I must do what is necessary for my mental health and well-being. This way, I do not let thoughts continue to arrive without addressing them. I must see that what my brain is leading me to believe is no longer valid or true.

I never give up hope. Those thoughts will continue to dissipate. I will do the work that is needed. I will find ways to distract myself when the moments get to me. If I let the thoughts build up, allowing them to repeat over and over in my head, I am responsible. I must act to solve the battle that I am fighting. Things will never improve unless I apply what is needed. I need to combat the thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing.

It is often said that what we allow in our lives will continue. These things will exist the way we end up. We don’t work at finding solutions to our problems. It is the same script that repeats. We ruminate about things that allow us to get enmeshed. We must take necessary actions to improve our lives. If we don’t, we are the only ones to blame. We complain about not finding a solution. We need to work towards making our lives better. Otherwise, we are owned by thoughts and words that are draining and hurtful to ourselves and sometimes others.

Ultimately, it is up to us. We must decide what actions will help us change our feelings. We also need to tackle the challenges that come with it. I want things to get better. I know it is up to me to find a solution. This solution must make life manageable to get through the day!