Note: This post mentions the topic of suicide . For help, call, text or chat 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for help. Also see the Mental Healh Crisis Resources and Mental Health Emergency Resources on this website.

All-or-nothing thinking in autistic people is dangerous. It often leads us to believe we have to harm ourselves. This can include self-harm and suicide. For many years, at my worst moments, I have said passive hurtful statements. Yet, I have hardly acted on those statements for nearly two decades. From my personal experience, these thoughts develop after a really bad incident, meltdown, or other drastic event. There’s no opportunity to calm down from my emotions. Even throughout those early years, I often ignored advice to calm down. I didn’t use the tools needed to distract myself from my actions or feelings. I did not learn them until my behaviors improved. I realized that physical harm had consequences. I am still learning how to cope with things as they evolve.

Even though the physical actions themselves are nearly non-existent, there have been many times where the way that I would allow myself to not see things with being just one way or another. I would just be letting my fears run their course to see that things will work out, I have mad passive suicidal ideations at those closest to me because I was unwilling to see beyond the bad things in a situation or to be patient and give myself a chance to work things before jumping to conclusions.

When the worst things happen to us, it can be hard for us to speak up. Even if we know what we have to say, it can be difficult to do so. We dwell in fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment about things that have happened. We often hide what we are feeling. We can think it’s not as bad or not worth bothering over. We know we need relief but fear taking necessary steps due to fear or judgment. We are not always to see that there are solutions in the worst situations. Even though it is tough to make that admission out of fear, doing the hard work is necessary. This is what it takes to make things right. It is better than doing something regretful or that can make things worse.

It was never about throwing in the towel. Instead, it was about letting people know how bad I was feeling when my all-or-nothing thinking was at its worst. It was also done in snide ways that were toxic. These ways were threatening and did not help situations. They were especially unhelpful for situations that were challenging for me. I had to go to those who knew me. I had to explain why I was feeling the way I was. I also had to explain why something was an issue for me. Even though it sometimes did not involve me, I realized I had to find healthy and appropriate ways to advocate. I needed to let others know how I felt about things. This was crucial when I felt there was no way out or why I didn’t want to do them.

I eventually that talking about dark things and making those harsh statements is never acceptable. Many times, my brain wanted to jump to thinking it was a way to draw attention to myself. I wanted to express how I was feeling and be heard and validated. But it wasn’t the best way to go about it. I needed to be brave and do what was necessary to move ahead. I realized that not everything is all-or-nothing. Things have the potential to be what they can be if I take the time and see them completely.