When it comes to the all-or-nothing thinking, one of the biggest challenges is sticking to your needs. This is especially true when there is fear or worry about something bad happening. It is hard when facing the unknown, unexpected, or situations out of your control. It can make me want to avoid things out of my own fear and sometimes thinking the most irrational things. It takes working through those morning scaries and knowing that it all going to be just fine.

There can be many things that enter my headspace of why I don’t want to do something. I can overthink about all the things that have the potential to happen. I also fear experiencing something that will make my day worse than I expect. There is also the worry of something unexpected. It can be out of control. If something overwhelms me too much, it can trigger me. Then, the fear of having a meltdown or causing a scene arises. But I know that I’ve worked through some of my worst moments. I did this by focusing on what I needed to learn. This helped me get through situations that I can’t control out of necessity.

The worrying itself has at times started the night before. At times others, especially those I love, are the target of what I think. Sometimes I say some pretty hurtful things. Yet, despite all the things I say, they stay with me through it. They know it is expected of me. They reaffirm to me that people care about me. They are there for me if I need them. They support me even when I say some of the most hurtful and passive statements. I remember a thinking of you card I got in the mail from my mom a little while back. It said that she and so many others care. That support can be what keeps me going at my darkest moments.

Eventually, things changed to the way they are now. I knew I only had until a certain time to call off. Even if I thought I needed to avoid things. I needed to take care of my other responsibilities. I wholeheartedly knew I wasn’t doing the right things for myself. Sometimes it took listening to someone who rationalized that things would be just fine eventually. But once that time had passed to make that call, I knew I had to break through the fear. I have to do what it takes to get myself on my way.

There have been countless times in my life when fear overtook my state of mind. I was not patient with how things were or considerate of my best interests. I thought about running away from things that bothered me. I did not want to do the things that I needed to do. I was unwilling to be patient. I did not understand that within time things will get better. It was also important to tell others what was bothering me. I needed to express what was making me feel that way before wanting to run away and avoid things altogether. This can be a great way to understand where the morning fears come from. Often, once I am on the bus and seated, things get better. I find myself getting going and in a better mindset.

This is a routine that I often repeat throughout the week. I have to do things that I don’t want to do. Still, all humans experience those moments when they don’t want to do things. For autistic people like me, it is just as challenging. The challenges are on a smaller scale than those faced by neurotypical people. One thing is certain. There is a huge sigh of relief when I know that I am on my way. I feel reassured that I am going to be just fine.