Over the years, there were many reasons for me to be frustrated. Being autistic itself is not an easy thing to bear. I wasn’t truly happy with myself. Eventually, I chose that the best way to rid myself of all the negativity was to be more positive. I decided to be happy about what I was doing in the world. This was instead of being so miserable when I did not need to be.

Throughout my life, I experienced many things. There were many things that I did not like. I shared my dislikes primarily with people close to me. I felt comfortable being with them. This led me to be verbally abusive to them. This resulted in toxic and threatening behavior. They perceived this behavior in a terrorizing way.

I believe I act that way partially because I dislike them doing what is right and needed. They rank these over what I believe is in my best interest. I had to learn to accept what was going to happen in our lives. I had to accept it despite what I had thought or wanted. I also had to understand that if I reacted further, it would have more consequences. These would be more than I would like to bear on my own. It would set me on a fast track for tasks I knew I had to finish. I would not be happy that way. So, I decided to wise up. I chose to do what was right. I focused more on being happy with what I had. I stopped thinking about everything that was wrong. I also stopped thinking about things I didn’t like or agree with.

I began to see the value of being happy to everyone. This applies regardless of who they are or how they felt when I wasn’t nice to them. It hurt me when I knew how much I hurt them and that they were concerned if I was well. I now see that was a contributing factor. It influenced whether I can tolerate and move on from the things I found unpleasant. I had to let go of what I had wanted to fix. I realized that having my way was mostly impossible. I learned to make what I was going through as pleasant as I can.

The world can give you many reasons to be unhappy with yourself. This can lead you to throw pity parties. I had to learn that I was the person who can make the choice. I had to choose to live with what is. I decided to make the best of the hand that was dealt to me. I know that I am a great person. Living a false narrative and being verbally abusive to those I was comfortable with is no way of living. Yes, the way autistic people accept things and how they are delivered to them can be difficult to bear. Still, I have proven to myself time and time again that I can overcome the struggles I am facing. I can always be the better person and not mask my way through it. I refuse to be deceitful in secret.