Over the past few years, I have often thought about quitting day services. I even considered quitting my job. This is because of the terrible experiences I faced getting to and from those places. Part of what also didn’t help back then was the fact that I was not totally medicated. It only made things worse. I had imaginary targets on certain people. I thought they were hurting me. In fact, they were clueless or realized that it was not their fault at all.

Eventually, because I was overcaffeinated and unmedicated beyond an unknown point, I let myself get out of control. Things started to change. While the worst part of what I had to go through was over, there was still some uncertainty. Eventually, we decided that the county shared ride system would be used. It would help us get to and from where we needed to go. Later, I started going to work directly from home. This rarely happened while I was working. Ironically, I met the goal of doing so a month before the deadline.

During that time, I was still in a mental decline. This was because I was not taking care of my mental health. It was hurting me that I would get frustrated at the little things that were not even my concern. They eventually led me to believe that I wanted to leave day services last year. There was this belief that I did not want to be there more than 20 years. But thankfully, it took those around me to realize that I was unwell. They saw that the things I wanted to do were not possible to happen the way I wanted. Then there was the reality that I needed day services.

I stayed with it. While I was still at times not totally myself, I knew I needed to better myself. It took taking a good look at myself and seeing that I needed to be there. Making threatening statements made things worse for me. Saying I was going to do things beyond my power also made things worse. It decreased my personal credibility and made me less believable. I was mentally unwell and unwilling to work at making a change for the better. I was surviving instead of thriving. This was something that I struggled with deeply inside, hiding from others. Eventually, I realized I had to find a way out of my personal battles. The only solution was to get back on track for the right reasons.

It also took letting go of the past to see that things can change and get better. I once acted in immature ways. That was not how I wanted others to see me. It can hurt sometimes when you have to grow up and do what is best for me. But what I do that is in reality good is good when I am around others too. I eventually realized that my way of thinking was hurting me. It would get me nowhere, even if I felt it did.

I thought in ways that were not true. I was led to believe these things were true. This made things worse for me. Believing things that were not true only made matters worse in the long run. It took me doing the hard part, being patient with myself and giving grace when it was needed. I had to be strong. No matter what, I needed to fight what I had long believed. More than, what I believed or perceived I do was not possible. I had to learn to finally let go of those old ways of thinking. Only then I make a change for the better.