Everyday anymore, I seem to be fighting anxiety in some state or form. It is this ugly invisible battle that I constantly let grow in my mind until there is a glimpse of freedom and understanding that I just need to snap out of what I am feeling and move on.

It is not like I have not addressed my fears or need to improve my approach on the subject better. It is just one of those things in life that always seems to point its rear at me and not go away for some reason. Fighting the negative, incorrect or doubtful thoughts can be quite tiresome and as such, when all is said and done, I can be quite exhausted from all the useless unproductive work as a result of my anxiety.

I have a list upon list of things that I need to do to fight my anxiety, but I do not allow it to be brought to my attention until later in the game and as a result, I am drained mentally from fighting nonsense that is many times beyond my control. Being suspected of being ADHD does not help either as the thoughts skip from person to person and this can further exacerbate the issues, thus making bouncing back even more challenging.

I oftentimes dilute the fear by retreating to bed at home and feel some sort of guilt trip comfort because I feel like it is owed to be that others need to feel what I am feeling. Passing senseless time just fighting my fears of things that are often quite miniscule in nature and do not greatly affect me is just time wasted and when I come to and use a skill on my tool list, often a great deal of time has passed that I will never get back, thus further frustrating me.

If I had known to just go to the list first before doing things that are unnecessary in nature like worrying or laying in bed dawlding is just nonsense and makes no sense to do so. I do divert at times watching YouTube videos or other entertaining venues in order to occupy the mind. I just wish that those things would come to mind before the unhealthy behavior would approach.

Anxiety can be really tough for me and many other autistic people. Mine comes when setting the course to do new or unknown things. This has come more to light as things that occurred pre-pandemic have returned. Not knowing the expectations or what is going to happen puts me in suspense and causes a heightened sense of anxiety that can cause a sense of wanting to avoid the event, even though I know that it will be good for me in the end.

There are things that help and in fact the medicine helps to some degree, but sometimes I wonder, is it really doing what it needs to do? There are moments where my anxiety is more elevated than it needs to be to where I get into a near panic attack and in fact with my anxiety medication, I am usually quite routine about it, but there are those intricate moments in certain triggering situations where the medication can in fact seem ineffective.

In reality, it takes me being honest about mental health and at times I really have not been. It is being real and following the treatments just as they are prescribed because there are adverse effects if they are not followed, yet that can be hard to see in the light of the moment. It is accepting the fact that if I don’t really want to feel as miserable as I am to maybe do what is right, be honest and take care of my mental health once and for all, because that is the right thing to do. I see others being honest with it and maybe I just need to do what is right as well, then the anxiety may not manifest itself to the level it does at select intervals.

If I am promoting mental health awareness and acceptance along with being autistic, then I have had to accept the fact that I must put my affairs in order to do what is right to be my right self and be able to have the manifestations of my mental health challenges, including my anxiety more manageable so that I can live my best life.