NOTE: In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, I will share a reflection of my experiences with passive suicidal thoughts. I will also discuss why my brain tends to think that way. If you feel you are in need of support, please visit the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline website or call 988. You can also see my Mental Health Emergency Resources on my website.

For decades I have at one time, or another experienced some pretty dark thoughts. My family has always taught me that life is worth living. This belief stands no matter what my brain thinks I should do. Autistic brains can make us feel trapped by our thoughts and emotions. Yet, I have learned it is better to handle the issue at hand. This approach is more effective than being overly dramatic to draw attention from others.

But as time evolved, many things happened that were not pleasant. At times, they scared me because of the way I was acting. I began to realize that I needed to change my perspective. My way of thinking when I felt like giving up was not productive. I looked at things from every angle. I saw that there is so much going on in my life. These events give me hope and inspiration to keep on going. This happens no matter how hard my brain wants me to think things really are. It took me seeing all the things worth living for. I recognized the many people that care for me. Ultimately, I knew that life was certainly always worth living for.

A thought can arrive in an autistic brain at any time. It can make one think there is no way out of something. The automatic response is to dwell on those thoughts. In my case, it can be a way to get the attention of those I love. This is a way of expressing how I feel. I want someone to give me more attention than what has been given. In my right mind, I know that expressing those thoughts to gain attention is not the right approach. It is not the best way to get someone’s attention. It can bring the fear and concern that are in our vicinity when those thing. I also know I am more than just my actions. There is always the potential of others seeing me in the outside world.

Without a doubt there are moments that are overwhelming and can seem like there is no way out of it. Without slowing down to process a situation, we don’t often think about the damage we can do to ourselves. We also overlook the harm we can cause to others. Ultimately, knowing that suicide itself is never the answer is crucial. It takes doing what I can to preventing what I think from being said or made others feel comfortable. There is so much more to life than what I think about at my worst. By flipping the script, change will happen. This change will help me strive to move away from what had been.