Since leaving High School, I have struggled with friendships. Understanding them was foreign to me. It hurt me that so many people had what I wanted. When I tried to find friends, it was so hard and seemed unfair. For years, I just wanted to be liked and accepted for who I was. When I gained more freedom, I let down my boundaries. My expectations were lowered too far, and that destroyed me. Now, I know that the right people will find me for the right reasons. They will be my friends because I set standards and boundaries for what I want.

Being autistic in the way I am, we are often seen as things that are what society sees as normal. In recent years I was given a bad perception that we are not capable of even caring for ourselves. I continue to defy odds. I shatter the expectations of what I can do. Despite this, I have always struggled with social connection. I lost myself when I neglected my mental health. I didn’t care for myself in the way I needed. I didn’t know I needed expectations, standards, and boundaries of what I was willing to accept and not accept.

People regardless of their neurotype want to belong. We are humans made to be social creatures that long for people to like us and mutually like us. Autism makes it hard to do that and is perceived as things that put us off to others. When autistic people have the freedom to seek connection and belonging, they don’t always approach it the right way. They lack the proper knowledge and skillset to bring the right people into their lives. With today’s technology, this situation can become a slippery slope. It can bring unknown consequences that can’t be rectified.

Once I had my personal freedom, I felt a strong wish for connection and belonging. This longing made me let go of things that I normally would not have allowed. I became more vulnerable by not taking care of my mental health. This led me to do risky things. I didn’t understand the consequences. This happens when we’re not aware of our safety or social norms and pragmatics. Thankfully, I was lucid enough to make it without experiencing any true danger to myself.

I connected with people without any regard for my personal boundaries, standards, or understanding what was normal. All I wanted was to be desired. I tried to achieve this by doing whatever it took, without realizing it came from being my true self. If I approached things in the right way, I would connect with the right people. This approach would be for the right reasons. That way, I form valuable friendships. Those with mutual interest would see me for who I truly am. They would not see me as someone I pretended to be just to feel wanted in the wrong way. This craving often led to inappropriate connections that satisfied me without authentic value or understanding how others truly saw me.

I learned that it is important to remember. It is not about the number of friends and connections you have in your life. It’s about the quality of these relationships and the respect they give you. It requires being equally respectful to them as they are to you. It is not just wanting them in your life to fill a void. You need to know that they are healthy for you. You have to do your best to be healthy and respect them too. I had to see who the right people are in my life. I also had to make sure that I didn’t bend to others just to have them accept me.