For much of my life I have not seen myself as the person that others see me as. I often want to see the things that I don’t have, my challenges or barriers to exist in life. I do manage to live life as best as I can. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that people see me as better than I see myself.

Most of my life, I have known that I was different and odd. That is part of what makes me who I am by later discovering that I had Asperger’s. It reflects who I am. I was someone targeted or seen as a problem. I was underestimated compared to the good things in me. From a young age, I struggled with how I saw myself. At times, I even called myself ugly and hated myself. In my worst moments, I turned this self-loathing into anger. I did not feel like I was worth being on this earth. Thankfully, with my parents’ attention and support, I built the necessary skills. I got through some of the worst moments in my life. I now realize it was a time in life when most people struggle socially. Being autistic made it harder. There was very little education on how to find ways to grow socially at that time.

While the way I gained some of this knowledge was very unorthodox, I gained enough knowledge to grow in life. I never sensed being the person that others saw me as. It wasn’t explicitly stated. Sometimes it was because they themselves were doing the same. It was challenging being seen as different. I struggled to see myself as a good person when I did not fit into the mold of life. It was no wonder by the words that described my existence as awkward, quirky and so much more.

I lived life as I did for many years. I had family surrounding me. They just saw me as who I was. I had my feelings and emotions. I hardly saw that there were people who recognized greatness in me. I was someone they admired and who was shown the way. Even being told this by those who had seen it happen did not make me see it. All I saw was that I was some awkward, different person noticing all the problems. Meanwhile, there were people who saw me as this amazing person. They viewed me as a good example and even a good person with good qualities.

It can still be hard to see that I am a great person. Still, I am getting better at accepting it. I know who I am. I do not have to change to be wanted by someone else. I do not have to do extra things to be socially accepted. People will like me for the right reasons. I know I have to look past all those years of hurt. I must see that I am one amazing person just as many others see me. This realization brings me the joy I have longed for in my life. I now see that I am worthy of it. I deserve to live life as it is. I do not need to make it fit in.