As I have said time and time again, autism is not as easy as one thinks. There are moments for all of us that can be hard. Especially as we get older, we want things to be the way they used to be. We seek comfort from the past. We often don’t realize that things are as they should be. This helps us get through the challenges life has to offer us. I have expressed what I think about things in worse ways before. This doesn’t mean those thoughts don’t show up from time to time. They are not easy to remove from my mind.

Sometimes moments hit really hard. They show me that because of autism, I need to have things a certain way. I not have the ability to do things or I need help. Sometimes, I need unique ways of doing things. I can be left to my own thoughts, leading to a deep negative mindset. These thoughts focus on all the things that make it hard for me to do certain tasks. They highlight things that have to be done differently, which are not challenges that neurotypical people face in the world. Accepting the diagnoses that I bear can be hard. It has its challenges. Yet there is so much to be grateful for. This includes the opportunity to have what many don’t.

It frustrates me when I keep the hard thoughts and realities to myself. My life is different than my neurotypical peers. I get angry that I have to do the things I must to make a living. They are also a good thing to have. I am understood, which is not always the case in many environments and situations. I am still working to accept the changes over the past several years. There are still moments when I get down on myself. I wish things would be “normal.” I need to do things differently with those I work with or meet in the world. This doesn’t mean that I am weird, awkward, or the odd one.

Everyone lives their lives differently. It has taken me time to realize this. I do not seem to be a part of an environment like I used to. But I understand that things change. Autistic people are often hesitant to change. Accepting and knowing what it involves can take years. It’s important to learn how to navigate those changes. Those involved should know to stay in their own lane and focus on my needs. I know that life for me has never been normal. I have to accept what is. It can be hard to see that it is different for me. Navigating things differently than others is not my fault. It takes learning that hard moments don’t have to be difficult. We can find better ways out of them and work to find our own happiness.

Many times, I wanted to abandon my all-or-nothing thinking. I didn’t do what I needed to avoid a worse situation. It was better than thinking about things that weren’t necessary or true. I had to understand that I was autistic with many special needs. I needed to be patient with myself. I had to work to see the ways I wanted to be. Instead of trying so much to fit into circles, I chose to be my own and stand out. Sometimes, I need to realize I am different. I don’t have to work around a social landscape to fit in. Though the road I travel can seem rough, it is not less lived. I find my own ways out of the sorrow I am in. It gets better and that is something that must stick with me.